Pennies for Thoughts

i don't even know what to title this entry, just because i'm just going to write and write and type while never having any prewriting, thesis (thesees?), or any premeditation whatsoever
just whatever is purely on my mind...which you will be surprised at, because believe me, my mind is a very strange place :)

but, I just feel overwhelmed right now, with all-state coming up and whatnot, because for one thing, i had a horrible lesson today and it's made me doubt my playing skill with every single one of the excerpts and i'm just like.....dead..gone..kaput

why am i so tired all the time? both mentally, emotionally, and physically cuz you're tired when you get no excercise x.x
will i even make the volleyball team next year?
i need to practice my spanish for ghp..
what happened to my resolution to do devotions everyday?
why can't i just trust in god and be happy?

i know what i need to do..the hard part is doing it

I want to be a good friend, sister, daughter
I want to set a good example as a student and a christian
i want to be able to watch my toddler videos in peace and laugh my head off

and yet, none of that really matters, because it doesn't matter what i want, but what god's will is....

so...word of the weeK; trust

i think that trusting is one huge thing that i need to overcome (don't you just love that word? overcome...it gives you such a sense of aspiration)
but really, for me trust is to cows as is impossible is to flying over the moon.
did that even make sense? lol

and even what little bit i'm saying now is ten times more thatn what i would've even thought i could say when i was in eighth grade...i really have christina to thank for that..she brought me out of my shell
and bria let me release my shell a little farther than before
i love you guys really♥

even still..with all this love and support from my friends
i can't say everything...
i will definitely talk about what is on my mind..just not everything that is on my mind...a lot of times i find solace in god because he judges me all the time
and he knows anyways
i think that i would like one guy friend (to balance things out) that i can talk to like a girlfriend...
i don't know why, but i've always hung out with guys more than girls...more natural i guess, less judgmental, always competitive, and they don't care if you make a degrading statement to them

i'm reading this manga ..actually the first manga i've ever read online..hana kimi
i like the characters i see a lot
but in this one manga, this time i actually wanted sano, a high jumper, to be real
i don't know if it was because it was my first manga or what, but his character really left an impact on me and for the many days that i spent reading it, i would look at my guy friends and think, "hmm that's kind of what sano does a lot."

he kind of reminded me of my friend aaron a bit too, just cuz they're both tall and skinny...
i've also noticed another trend in my thinking...

ever since i've been a little girl, i've always had a guy friend that i always admired deeply
i think it was because they played violin...but still i've had people i've admired that don't play violin..but some of the ones i felt the most admiration for mostly played violin

like...when i was toddler little like two...i don't remember him
but i've been watching videos and remember who he was...his name was wei wei and he lives in california
now...he's like the youngest member ever in the california youth symphony or something like that?
he even held his own concert to raise money for typhoon relief funds ..i know right?
wow
his dad showed me youtube video of him playing just for fun and i was so amazed...

when i was bit older and just started playing violin...there was this boy ross
who was about two years older than me
i remember that whenever he talked about violin, his whole face would light up and boy he was good for his age...
he was one of the first people that i remember truly admiring to the point of being in awe...plus he was nice to us little kids too which is always a plus ;D
i wonder what he will become..

in elementary school...wesley gillis
it's actually pretty cool..cuz i've seen him some since then

skipping middle school

freshman year...definitely ivan
i think that was the first year i had really heard him play before..
and it was so clear and resonated so beautifully that it really made me look at him in a different way.
plus he's always been a good friend since taylor road
we were both in the older kid's orchestra our sixth grade year and i really do look up to him a lot
haha i have this thing where i will never let him hear me play alone, just cuz

just high school is general...daniel
all i had heard about him at first was that he was first chair either asyo or all-state?...i was like..o.o dang
and then came along nashville and i was REALLY shy and kinda scared cuz this guy was legendary!
then on nashville i really got to know this kindhearted extremely modest guy
and i still admire him now

what is it with me and violin? haha
i've admired a lot of girls too...but i don't know my top two..michelle liu and ashley dozier....well enough to really write a whole long bit about them

whew...my brain feels uncluttered a tiny bit now...
i want to go rejoin my kung fu class...
haha having fun with my random trains of thought? xD

i was looking for a good clean sounded youtube video of one of my favorite christian songs: after the music fades
but to no avail
i love this song so much, because in last year's winter retreat 08, i was actually moved to tears by the holy spirit...
you know that feeling where your whole chest tightens up?
almost the feeling you get when you have a crush..but a hundred times more powerful
and your eyes go runny on you blurring your vision?
you're just overwhelmed by love and god's glory...
yeah...that feeling right there
it almost paralyzes you and that void in your chest is filled

if you don't know what i'm talking about..then you've never noticed that that hole was there before that's all
because everyone has that hole..and once it's filled....it's the best feeling in the entire world
unsurpassable, indescribable, amazing...words are futile

and to think that what i felt then was a miniscule percent of what i felt at nashville

there is so much in life that god holds for me...i just got to trust...