Moving On

okay..today i came to school all anticipated
heart beating fast
you know when you feel weighed down cuz you have something on your mind?
yeah that's it...

and....i didn't make it
didn't even make that stupid fake list
and...i really just want to cry
but i can't..literally

for some reason i can't cry like a regular person
and i want to..
i felt like i could in third period, but no way...not in school
and once that feeling passes once..can't return to it
i mean..ive already come to terms with it so many times in the past
but this year all-state was my dream
it was my pinnacle of my year if i made it
and i know that there are tons of others who probably are better than me

but i know that not even half of them

wanted it as badly as i did

there's no possible way
people only feel that much want for special things that are close to the heart
its not an ordinary everyday feeling by any means

And it makes me so angry, even though i'm still smiling,
when people treat their spots in all-state like garbage..like something that is disposable if they wanted it to be
do you know how much of an insult that is to people who want that spot with so much want?
sure they may deserve it more..but do they honestly want it more?

I want to cry..but I can't

But at least one good thing came out of it..
I felt God with me during my audition :]

At all auditions, never fail, I quake and shake and tremble like a leaf in a spiderweb
of course..my sound c c comme es es ow ow utt t l l l i i kkkkke
im stuttering..which is funny because i stutter too haha
and my tone then basically sounds horrible
Usually before auditions like these, I'll pray, "God please just let me get in."
But it doesn't matter right?
Because it's his will anyways
So this time i prayed, "God please be with me, don't let me quake and tremble..let me TRUST (eh eh? word of the month ^.^) in you and your almighty powers and let me believe."

and guess what?

i didn't shake..of course i messed up but that was because of my own doing
God's hand weighed down my shoulder and calmed my fingers so I could play with tone.

And you know what? Even though I think that i'm going to carry all-state with me for a while in my mind..I came across a verse recently that said,

"No eye has seen,
no ear has heard,
no mind has conceived
what God has prepared for those
who love him"

-1 Corinthians 2:9

so...i'll be waiting God...and I'm excited
I don't think that I can take all-state away from my heart yet
because it was so deeply ingrained in my desire
but like always..you fill that void Lord.