P&P Day #4 & 5

Last night, Stephen came over for dinner and we had jambalaya and blueberries and cream with roasted coconut chips. He has an interview today for Disney Photopass, so I especially want to pray for his preparation and if this is a step for where you want for him to be, then I ask that you do so for his sake.

Praise: cooked jambalaya twice this week and came out great the second time

Prayer: Spencer while he's in SE Asia, Alyson in prepping her heart and habits to lead cell group this year, Mwu in helping him to learn to love and how to be loved, the healing of my own heart in regards to romantic love

Passage: Philmon
"I am sending him back to you, sending my very heart."
"So if you consider me your partner, receive him as you would receive me. If he has wronged you at all or owes you anything, charge that to my account. I, Paul, write thus with my own hand: I will repay it - to say nothing I'd your owing me even your own self. Yes, brother, I want some benefit from you in the Lord. Refresh my heart in Christ."

P&P Day #2 & 3

To even more see the extent of my lack of self-discipline I've already missed the second day. Reminder that it's not just writing them down by actually praying for these things.

Day #2 & 3
Praise: great talk about biblical womanhood with Gloria

Prayer: my friend's family who asked me to pray for them, baba in new mexico, getting work done well at work

Verses: Genesis 2 & 3, Titus 2 & 3
"I will surely multiply your pain in childbearing; in pain you shall bring forth children. Your desire will be for your husband and he will rule over you."

"Do your best to speed Zenas the lawyer and Apollo on their way, see that they lack nothing. And let our people learn to devote themselves to good works, so as to help cases of urgent need, and not be infruitful."

P&P Day #1

In an effort to instill godly habits in my currently dry spiritual state as I form my new life here in Orlando, I want to actively pray, praise, and read Scripture daily, something that I have never been able to sustain, but something that is dearly needed sustenance from experience.

Praise: hallelujah my purse got found when left at a Baskin robbins!, my first journal entry in a month, dear sisters who have lifted me in Christ

Prayer: to sustain these habits to delight in the Lord and to pray for others, my friends peace through a breakup

Scripture: Psalm 51, "the sacrifices of God are a broken spirit. A broken and contrite heart you will not despise."

"Restore to me the joy of your salvation and uphold me with a willing spirit."

Scams

I'm almost 90% positive that I just gave money to someone who scammed me. It was tonight at a RaceTrac and I keep kicking myself in my head for doing so the way I did. It should have been so obvious, how he first approached me at the gas station pump, asking for $9, then seeing my yielding, then asked up for $14, the common $9.99 sales tactic marking store windows. How he started off saying that he wasn't a bum, how his tale was so conveniently placed where he must get back by midnight like a trucker-version of Cinderella and most of all, how when he rushed off, said the very line that tipped me off, "have a nice vacation," while he side-glanced at my Georgia license plate as if I was some one-time tourist who he spotted the opportunity to hook.


I wish that I told him that I wasn't a tourist. That I had read all the signs earlier without being so easily deceived and that I wasn't such a gullible target. But most of all, I wish that I had asked his name and told him mine so that he would remember that moment. That I had told him that I was on an intern salary and that I had given him an hour of my work. That what I wanted for him to have was help and not money, that even if he was lying, that I'd help him and throw in a gas station meal with it too. That I hoped he wouldn't make me lose my faith in people. 

Because I'm tired of seeing the faces of people who I have passed by, hesitated with, changed my mind with, and on my way home, regretting my own sin and pride. I'm tired of remembering the man with weathered skin as dark as night wearing an empty look, the man that the dressed up versions of Penn and I walking through Atlanta after a night at the Fox glanced at and kept walking, making the internal excuse that there was so much crowd behind us that it would be hard to stop. I'm tired of remembering the woman that refused the pads I wanted to give her, but was looking for a place to stay, making me hesitate, then drive away fearing for my security. And of course I remember the bold times when things weren't the perfect scenario, from the guy who I gave a ride to Chick-fil-A who stole the Sharpie off the car floor before getting out to the nightmare of love letters from the homeless Mr. Paul who we had lunch with in St. Louis. 

Forgive me for my pride, Lord, for neglecting to be a shelter from storms, a stronghold for the needy, and a shade from the Orlando/Houston/Atlanta heat. And I want to pray for this man that whatever this money is used for, it is used honestly as I hope, or that it is used productively and opens the chasm for you to enter his heart. I'm at peace with it, for now I cannot gain pride or shame from how God will use that money. And do not let me hesitate and evaluate what it would cost myself when someone comes with a need, as I so often do, for:

"You have heard that it was said, ‘An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth.’ But I say to you, Do not resist the one who is evil. But if anyone slaps you on the right cheek, turn to him the other also. And if anyone would sue you and take your tunic, let him have your cloak as well. And if anyone forces you to go one mile, go with him two miles. Give to the one who begs from you, and do not refuse the one who would borrow from you." - Matthew 5:38-42

You have already given me all on the cross and you are more than enough.

Lost and burdened

Today is one of those days where I feel so lost and so burdened and my heart and being pains me for who I am, one of the days where I hate myself and realize what a messed up person I am on the inside. The paradox of my thoughts and desires kill me and all I can do is wait for it to blow over. For the person with the highest of highs, also exists the lowest of lows. I've prayed for this burden to be lifted, but am I praying for the effect or for God himself to come? Why am I so incapable of loving people who love me and chase after other people seeking their love? I felt in the later half of today this utter loneliness just sitting on my heart, unmoving and dense. I'm sick and delighted at the way I've acted with strangers these past two days. Why did the thought of just being a story of growth rather than a person to another person drive me to tears? Why is my heart so callous and impatient with another, being driven to annoyance at the most minor of things? Why do I feel like another is only tolerating me at times, reminding myself not to get too attached to people? Why do I feel like this world will just be a bounty of lonely and eventually detached people, myself included? Why do i feel like such a failure? I don't know what I'm doing and in times like this, what other anchor do I have but the Lord, my Father?

When my will is so ambiguous and confusing, most of all to myself, I pray wholeheartedly amidst this self-destructive chaos, as first taught by Jonathan Chang at Woodgate:

"Let my will be your will"

What is a cell group supposed to be?

From the Small Group Leader's Handbook, written by a small group (Intervarsity),

"Here's what we mean when we say 'small group.'  

A small group is a transformational community that studies the Bible, prays and participates in God's mission together for the purposes of God's transforming work.

Notice that the vision for small groups has transformational community at its center. not cheap community. Not virtual community. Not what-we-happen-to-have-in-common-at-the-moment community. Not small-talk-in-passing community. Not community when it's convenient. Transformational community."

On Escalators and Growth

"We are on a never-ending downward escalator. In order to grow, we have to turn around and sprint up the escalator, putting up with perturbed looks from everyone else who is gradually moving downward."

-Francis Chan

Winter Doings

A Few Winter Activities

• counseled for Winter Retreat with Byron Shaffner, the greatest prayer warrior and retreat speaker I have ever had in my life
• saw my best friend graduate early from UGA
• went to Augusta for New Years to feel Southern again
• dropped 媽媽 off at work like she was going to school
• started a comic of Ordinary Things with Jessie using my new computer sketchpad
• got to have great talks up and down from retreat with Jessie, Monique, and Jaime about life, struggles, and changes
• staying up multiple nights til 4am playing Settlers of Catan with the family
• had ridiculous laughs playing Time's Up with mom's side of the family
• reunited with the Chattahoochee girls for the first time in two years
• started a Disney puzzle but never finished :(
• made my family hate me in Settlers of Catan
• missed the New Years countdown by a few minutes again but that's okay because we had sparkling cider

Coming back home to these people made me think so much of what friendship means. There wasn't a single time where it was awkward or I had to search for things to say, but it was a cauldron of stories, memories, reforging each friendship so that it grows stronger and stronger. Family came first this break and to be able to move closer to each of them, it was such a treat.

My small group girls! 

Class of 2015 girl counselors

This awesome lady graduating

Christmas with dad's side

Christmas on mom's side

Family portrait (look how tall I am! hehe)

2015 here we come!