Learning to Love

How can I learn to love unconditionally?
Without a single thought for myself..
a pure love

i guess I can only try and find out.

My Blogger Girls

I'm sitting here on a rainy supposedly supposed to be snowy saturday morning
after eating eggs benedict cooked by my sister
harangued by parents about SAT II, reading more current events
and reading friend's blogs.

And as I'm reading, I notice a common theme.

Everyone is analyzing themselves.

And this gets me to thinking, I don't think that i've ever analyzed myself on my blog before.
Or maybe I have and I just haven't noticed it.
LIke I see Penn saying:

I can't empathize because I'm so stubborn and set in my ways. It's not that I think that everybody should be like me, but I hardly see anything from anybody else's point of view. Not because I don't want to, because I just can't. Call me traditional or old-fashioned, but that's how it is, how I am.
I'm incredibly selfish, and it really amazes me how you are so selfless. I want to tell you so much - but there's just too much stuff that doesn't let me. I'm too protective of you, I'm too scared, I'm too proud. See? It's all selfishness.


Christina

I don’t know if it’s that I just haven’t been listening or if it’s that I just haven’t been trying hard enough. But for a long while now I’ve been holding up this “guard” and nothing has been able to break it down.


Jessie:
The problem with me is that I try to too often to assimilate.


Jaime:

I'm extremely selfish beyond repair. I am giving and helpful, but very very selfish at the same time. Selfish on most things, giving in others. A lot more selfish than my giving though.


Bria:

I sort of feel like I'm lost in my own little world. That I put up this barrier, this disguise, so that people won't see how I'm truly feeling. And other times, I feel like I'm just a middleman. Someone who has friends and people to talk with, but doesn't really have a place. Like a wanderer without a home.


And don't get me wrong...ive felt every single one of these things before in my life
some more strongly,
some a prickling in the back of my subconscious, having not emerged yet
Maybe it's all being part of a teenage girl?
hormones? lol
And maybe letting all of this self-evaluation and criticalness is a form of finding an outlet
maybe hoping in that through writing,
you can cut out a window of your heart
so that those curious enough can look in and see the complexity inside.

Because, you know?
we all put up that barrier
and what we crave the most is for someone to break that barrier down, embrace you and say,
"dont worry..im never going to let you go."
We want for those people to be the first person you want to talk to after you go through trauma, joy, or just cuz.
For someone to accept us regardless of any mistakes we have

THAT is why we write on blogs spilling out gut feelings
because we want someone to relate and understand
why else do we get so excited when someone comments on a post?


but you know what?
despite the fact that we are all continually searching for that earthly being to be our soulmate friend.
we also continually forget to look heavenward

and see the friend who takes us as we are.



soo my girlies....
i think that for the rest of our lives we will have friends...good ones great ones
but they will come, go, or stay
and those who stay aren't always the friendship ideal that we crave for always
because there WILL be times when our own tempting selfishness overcomes the needs of our friends....

but because we are bonded through Christ, who sees me as i am, HE can fill the void that we sometimes forget to fill in our friends' hearts. And because of that...be JOYFUL...dont look down on yourself..because we know that one day we WILL be perfect through Him.

After Rehearsal

A 9 year old girl in the orchestra spies the older girl who volunteers each week
feeling the cherry red starburst in her pocket
she made a decision
"Meet me after rehearsal."
After rehearsal:

"here you go."
and walks away

next week
that same older girl comes and whispers in the ear
"I have something for you. Meet me after rehearsal."
After rehearsal:

"here you go"
its a coffee flavored toffee

the little girl runs off out of sight
when she pops back up she says

"does your school let you use mechanical pencils?"
"yes..."
"here you go."

********************************************************
what should i give her next week? o.o

My Best Friend And Me

this was my reflections entry when i was in eighth grade...
it's about one of my best friends Faith MacDonald
and she's special to me because she was my first best friend.
She came over everyday and made me live life
she introduced me to God and shared her church with me.
we fought every other day and made up by the time the bus reached our stop
we climbed trees, scraped our knees, and all that good stuff
When she moved I was devastated
...because who else would be the one i could run to because of any problem no matter how futile?

she's in MA right now, her birthplace
but i hope she reads this one day....cuz we still are best friends♥

My Best Friend and Me

Around the bend a Frisbee flies,
While I sit in the park and think.
Mahogany wood forms the bench where I
Wait for my friend as I link,
Together all the events that flew
Through the week, day by day.
As I pick up my book and begin to read,
I spot her 'cross the bay.
Clothed in green with a pair of blue jeans,
I wave to her, brimming with cheer.
"Faith, I missed you so much when you moved,
But now you're finally here!"
We hug each other, hold on tight,
Think of the places we'll go.
Soar through air on a tire-swing chair.
Sing---one high voice, one low.
We swim in the pool all day and all night,
Never tire of tumbling about.
Faith and I eat mounds of ice cream.
We joke and let our laughs tumble out.
Any place fills with contentment and glee,
As long as my best friend is there with me.

-Rebecca Lam

Reminiscing

so yeah..i've been ruffling through all of my old emails ever since i started in eight grade..
and i love them
i love how much different or the same we all sound
those crazy chain letters that you would get at least ten times from everyone
the jokes
the teasing
the smileys :]
the im convos that had special memories
just the innocent way that people talk

i miss that..
how my close email friends would just be themselves on email
dont get me wrong..facebook and texting and absolutely lovely
but these emails
are like reading an old journal

maybe i'm just too sentimental
that's what my mom tells me...probably true
but without that sentimentality...i wouldn't have found these old emails now would i? >:]

here are some funny ones:
*******************************************
Have you ever had a dream about me? If so, what?:

one, u were hunting me and i kicked u off a cliff and everyone else chasing me were kicked off to or shot( i won't say who they were.)
********************************************
hi rebecca and wendy! i miss u guys so much!how is it doing down there?? its really cold up here. guess wut!!! i hav two recessess at school, one in the morning and one in the afternoon!faith also has one in middle school and in elementary school, highschool, and middle school, you can sit whereever you want at lunch time! and faith and patrick ahv around 6 hours of school and i think i hav even less and they go to school b4 i do and cum home b4 me.....i have to go!!! rite bak!

jeremy 9
**********************************************
I am 25% hated by teachers at school
**********************************************
guess wat pplz?!?!?!
we have sum exciting news!!!...finally
yea anywayz...

[boy] is going out w/ [girl]!!! happened 8:00 pm, April 20th, 2007...xD
tell every1!!! and [girl wants every1 2 kno :]
**********************************************
WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?

On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that Usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.
-- Martin, age 10
***********************************************
Who is this David Baker guy? I have no idea who he is and he keeps sending me emails
***********************************************
out of all the years we've had exams, THEY FREAKIN MADE EXAMS AFTER WINTER BREAK ON THIS WEEK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! u stupid administrative people!!! i hope they all get cursed eating peanut butter their whole life!!! oh and u have to eat reeses pieces because u were bad AND DIDN'T MAKE ALL-STATE WITH ME, NOW I'M ALL ALOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOONE. alone in this big world (stabbing the peanut butter jar)....must release anger....must release anger on yucky peanut butter!
***********************************************
[girl]: CAN......I....HEAR.....YOUR...ALL-STATE........SONG?
[boy]: 2 dollars
[girl]: ummm....no
I feel so bad cuz of the home ec thing
[boy]: u go from the trip to all state to home ec!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! watnext??????????
so ready for AMC??????????????????
[girl]: well, u went from home ec to AMC!!!!
[boy]: i did that to make ur ADD sound better LOL
[girl]: lol, so what is ADD?
[boy]: attention deficite disorder
[girl]: oh, well sorry to hear that u have it....LOL
**********************************************************
this is for poor rebecca since she doesn't have gmail and can't read this doc without some one copying and pasting it to her. we all feel sorry because she can't just get a new account on gmail that takes like 600 seconds at most to do. (althought it might take 600000000000 seconds on the world's slowest and oldest computer that still functions that is combined with the world's slowest internet, but you obviously don't have either of them so that really doesn't matter) we feel so bad because she can't take the time to move her emails, even if google is willing to offer to move her emails for her. it doesn't take that long, but she doesn't have the 6000 seconds it takes for gmail to copy the emails. or so she says, while she has the 6000 seconds needed to write out the upbeat academy form, she doesn't have that time to start a gmail account. thats just a shame. no matter what gmail does, apparently in rebecca's view, it'll always be inferior to yahoo, no matter what, even if everyone in the world said gmail was the best. someday everyone will hate yahoo (even and includeding the creators) and rebecca will still be like, yahoo is the best. and when a bush gets way too tired of yahoo, he'll call a convention at un and have everybody strike down yahoo servers. and after that, rebecca will move to hot mail saying, everything but yahoo sucks, yahoo rocks, which will one day lead to her demise.

(me): yeah..you really didn't have to read all of that if you didn't want to
**************************************************************

and plenty more.....
so just wanted to say to all those people who i just clicked "check mail" for over and over again every other second
to those who made me laugh and smile at mmy desk
and made wendy think i was a complete psycho

thank you for your emails
they mean so much to me

So Close

"So close to reaching that famous happy ending
Almost believing that this was not pretend
Let's go on Dreaming for we know we are..
So Close and still....
So Far"

Moving On

okay..today i came to school all anticipated
heart beating fast
you know when you feel weighed down cuz you have something on your mind?
yeah that's it...

and....i didn't make it
didn't even make that stupid fake list
and...i really just want to cry
but i can't..literally

for some reason i can't cry like a regular person
and i want to..
i felt like i could in third period, but no way...not in school
and once that feeling passes once..can't return to it
i mean..ive already come to terms with it so many times in the past
but this year all-state was my dream
it was my pinnacle of my year if i made it
and i know that there are tons of others who probably are better than me

but i know that not even half of them

wanted it as badly as i did

there's no possible way
people only feel that much want for special things that are close to the heart
its not an ordinary everyday feeling by any means

And it makes me so angry, even though i'm still smiling,
when people treat their spots in all-state like garbage..like something that is disposable if they wanted it to be
do you know how much of an insult that is to people who want that spot with so much want?
sure they may deserve it more..but do they honestly want it more?

I want to cry..but I can't

But at least one good thing came out of it..
I felt God with me during my audition :]

At all auditions, never fail, I quake and shake and tremble like a leaf in a spiderweb
of course..my sound c c comme es es ow ow utt t l l l i i kkkkke
im stuttering..which is funny because i stutter too haha
and my tone then basically sounds horrible
Usually before auditions like these, I'll pray, "God please just let me get in."
But it doesn't matter right?
Because it's his will anyways
So this time i prayed, "God please be with me, don't let me quake and tremble..let me TRUST (eh eh? word of the month ^.^) in you and your almighty powers and let me believe."

and guess what?

i didn't shake..of course i messed up but that was because of my own doing
God's hand weighed down my shoulder and calmed my fingers so I could play with tone.

And you know what? Even though I think that i'm going to carry all-state with me for a while in my mind..I came across a verse recently that said,

"No eye has seen,
no ear has heard,
no mind has conceived
what God has prepared for those
who love him"

-1 Corinthians 2:9

so...i'll be waiting God...and I'm excited
I don't think that I can take all-state away from my heart yet
because it was so deeply ingrained in my desire
but like always..you fill that void Lord.

You Are the Music in Me

wow...coming across this RIGHT before all-state
it's so meant to be

"I believe in the power of music. I believe music transcends the barriers of race, religion, gender, language, age, and culture. I believe music has the power to inspire dreams and bring understanding to all people.

Everyday I can use my hands to play the viola is a blessing. Everyday I take what God has given me and learn to inspire others through my hard work. Whether I am practicing or performing, I always give my best effort and tolerate nothing else.

I am a martyr for music. No matter who the audience is, no matter what ranking they have garnered from this world, I step onto that stage before me and let them know who I am and why I deserve that stage. Their condemnation means nothing to me – I live to serve and please only one master – but their wisdom I heed.

If this gift is taken from me, I will not be bitter. My time will pass and others will soon fill the world with inspiration. Whether I play or not, music will exist in my heart and the hearts of those who continue to inspire.

Music is about the effort I put into it, not the sound that others hear and judge. I am a musician and this is my legacy."

-vivian liu

inspiring huh?
well this is my own creed

"when i'm in that auditioning room,
gone will be the nervousness, the indecision, and the doubt.
God's hand will weigh down my shaking shoulder
Turning that fleeting scratch into a tone
rich and vibrant, precise and liquid
Closing my eyes
I will choose to trust."

Bounded

This is from my friend Penn's story...and I was really touched by this paragraph.
To me, I think it's seriously number two in my list of favorite quotes with my anne of green gables one (see post: For You).
soooo here goes..

"There is no such thing as "love at first sight". There is no such thing as "falling in love" or "falling out of love". There is such thing as being Bound and Unbound. There is such a thing as having Sighted and not having Sighted.
Actually, we are all Bound. We are all Bound to somebody out there, in this vast, overpopulated, overcrowded world - but for technical purposes, we will say that you are Bound once having Sighted, and Unbound when not having Sighted. Most of the time, being Bound brings happiness - we were meant to be! It is fate! The predetermined way of things! My love! My one and only true love! - but sometimes, in very rare cases, fate plays a cruel trick on us and we are Bound to the wrong person.

So? you question. So what? We don't have to stay with them? Right? It's just fate.

Right. You don't HAVE to. You can mingle with others who are Unbound, or with others who are unhappy with their match; those who scoff at the thought of fate; those who do not listen to their hearts, but their selfish, shallow minds; those like yourself.

But there will always be that deep pain inside you, a longing that gnaws at your inner being if it hasn't already plagued your heart once you have Sighted the one you are Bound to. You can't ignore this feeling, hide it away, or push it to the back of your mind, even if you are with one you are not Bound to, even if you can ignore the one you are Bound to. You will never be able to get rid of them completely, they will be like a constant alarm you can't turn off. Bounded. Bounded. Bounded, your heart will say, panging with hurt with every beat. You are Bounded. Where is your Bound one?, it will follow you and question like a guilty conscience. Bounded. Where is your Bound one?

I knew I was Bound from the moment I saw her wide brown eyes from across the loud, dark room - I had Sighted. But I would've given anything to turn back time and not Sight her at all."

Pennies for Thoughts

i don't even know what to title this entry, just because i'm just going to write and write and type while never having any prewriting, thesis (thesees?), or any premeditation whatsoever
just whatever is purely on my mind...which you will be surprised at, because believe me, my mind is a very strange place :)

but, I just feel overwhelmed right now, with all-state coming up and whatnot, because for one thing, i had a horrible lesson today and it's made me doubt my playing skill with every single one of the excerpts and i'm just like.....dead..gone..kaput

why am i so tired all the time? both mentally, emotionally, and physically cuz you're tired when you get no excercise x.x
will i even make the volleyball team next year?
i need to practice my spanish for ghp..
what happened to my resolution to do devotions everyday?
why can't i just trust in god and be happy?

i know what i need to do..the hard part is doing it

I want to be a good friend, sister, daughter
I want to set a good example as a student and a christian
i want to be able to watch my toddler videos in peace and laugh my head off

and yet, none of that really matters, because it doesn't matter what i want, but what god's will is....

so...word of the weeK; trust

i think that trusting is one huge thing that i need to overcome (don't you just love that word? overcome...it gives you such a sense of aspiration)
but really, for me trust is to cows as is impossible is to flying over the moon.
did that even make sense? lol

and even what little bit i'm saying now is ten times more thatn what i would've even thought i could say when i was in eighth grade...i really have christina to thank for that..she brought me out of my shell
and bria let me release my shell a little farther than before
i love you guys really♥

even still..with all this love and support from my friends
i can't say everything...
i will definitely talk about what is on my mind..just not everything that is on my mind...a lot of times i find solace in god because he judges me all the time
and he knows anyways
i think that i would like one guy friend (to balance things out) that i can talk to like a girlfriend...
i don't know why, but i've always hung out with guys more than girls...more natural i guess, less judgmental, always competitive, and they don't care if you make a degrading statement to them

i'm reading this manga ..actually the first manga i've ever read online..hana kimi
i like the characters i see a lot
but in this one manga, this time i actually wanted sano, a high jumper, to be real
i don't know if it was because it was my first manga or what, but his character really left an impact on me and for the many days that i spent reading it, i would look at my guy friends and think, "hmm that's kind of what sano does a lot."

he kind of reminded me of my friend aaron a bit too, just cuz they're both tall and skinny...
i've also noticed another trend in my thinking...

ever since i've been a little girl, i've always had a guy friend that i always admired deeply
i think it was because they played violin...but still i've had people i've admired that don't play violin..but some of the ones i felt the most admiration for mostly played violin

like...when i was toddler little like two...i don't remember him
but i've been watching videos and remember who he was...his name was wei wei and he lives in california
now...he's like the youngest member ever in the california youth symphony or something like that?
he even held his own concert to raise money for typhoon relief funds ..i know right?
wow
his dad showed me youtube video of him playing just for fun and i was so amazed...

when i was bit older and just started playing violin...there was this boy ross
who was about two years older than me
i remember that whenever he talked about violin, his whole face would light up and boy he was good for his age...
he was one of the first people that i remember truly admiring to the point of being in awe...plus he was nice to us little kids too which is always a plus ;D
i wonder what he will become..

in elementary school...wesley gillis
it's actually pretty cool..cuz i've seen him some since then

skipping middle school

freshman year...definitely ivan
i think that was the first year i had really heard him play before..
and it was so clear and resonated so beautifully that it really made me look at him in a different way.
plus he's always been a good friend since taylor road
we were both in the older kid's orchestra our sixth grade year and i really do look up to him a lot
haha i have this thing where i will never let him hear me play alone, just cuz

just high school is general...daniel
all i had heard about him at first was that he was first chair either asyo or all-state?...i was like..o.o dang
and then came along nashville and i was REALLY shy and kinda scared cuz this guy was legendary!
then on nashville i really got to know this kindhearted extremely modest guy
and i still admire him now

what is it with me and violin? haha
i've admired a lot of girls too...but i don't know my top two..michelle liu and ashley dozier....well enough to really write a whole long bit about them

whew...my brain feels uncluttered a tiny bit now...
i want to go rejoin my kung fu class...
haha having fun with my random trains of thought? xD

i was looking for a good clean sounded youtube video of one of my favorite christian songs: after the music fades
but to no avail
i love this song so much, because in last year's winter retreat 08, i was actually moved to tears by the holy spirit...
you know that feeling where your whole chest tightens up?
almost the feeling you get when you have a crush..but a hundred times more powerful
and your eyes go runny on you blurring your vision?
you're just overwhelmed by love and god's glory...
yeah...that feeling right there
it almost paralyzes you and that void in your chest is filled

if you don't know what i'm talking about..then you've never noticed that that hole was there before that's all
because everyone has that hole..and once it's filled....it's the best feeling in the entire world
unsurpassable, indescribable, amazing...words are futile

and to think that what i felt then was a miniscule percent of what i felt at nashville

there is so much in life that god holds for me...i just got to trust...

Time is a Present

There's no time like the present,
No present like time
And life can be over in the space of a rhyme.
There's no gift like friendship
And no love like mine.
Give me your love to treasure through time.

My Resolution to Keep My Resolutions

Okay as we all know, the new year is the official time for a new start, new goals, and new changes. Even though this is typically the time to do this..i want to make a resolution not only to keep the ones that i'm making now, but a resolution to keep on making resolutions. There's always a higher standard that one can set for herself and I want to meet that standard whatever it may be.
The ideal would to become like Christ and i'll never be able to meet that ideal
but I want to get the closest I can!

1. Maintain and keep improving my relationship with God
2. Do Devotions every day!
3. Make all-state this year >.<
4. Get into GHP------gotta practice lol
5. Make lifelong friendships
6. Work at a soup kitchen
7. Have a picnic!
8. Take a night to just look at the stars
9. Make handmade crafts to sell online for next year's xmas
10. Sew one of my designs!
11. Choose a college and career so everyone's parents will stop asking me both questions
12. Earn money----some way
13. Take time to write out thank you cards
14. Take time to give out a smile and a hug
15. Reach out to a person that I don't know
16. Have the willpower to take away distractions
17. Keep my room clean without my parents nagging me about it :3
18. Learn to speak Spanish and Chinese fluently (i know this won't take just a year)
19. TAKE RISKS!!!!
20. To take time to go outside a bit each day
21. Get all A's preferably 95+
22. To take a week and cook dinner every day
23. To start a recycling program
24. To make varsity vball
25. TO better myself each day according to God's will
26. To get my list of people to get to know God
27. To make a difference in a random stranger's life
28. To plant a flower

and so much more that i'm sure that I will think of later and go
"why in the world didn't i put that on my blog?"

But i know that through each of these things....i can be living life a bit more to the fullest
wasting none of these precious god given moments
that's what i want for my life to be filled with
with moments...not activities or plans
with those little moments..so wondrous
that you can't forget for the rest of your life