Tuesday, April 28, 2015

Lost and burdened

Today is one of those days where I feel so lost and so burdened and my heart and being pains me for who I am, one of the days where I hate myself and realize what a messed up person I am on the inside. The paradox of my thoughts and desires kill me and all I can do is wait for it to blow over. For the person with the highest of highs, also exists the lowest of lows. I've prayed for this burden to be lifted, but am I praying for the effect or for God himself to come? Why am I so incapable of loving people who love me and chase after other people seeking their love? I felt in the later half of today this utter loneliness just sitting on my heart, unmoving and dense. I'm sick and delighted at the way I've acted with strangers these past two days. Why did the thought of just being a story of growth rather than a person to another person drive me to tears? Why is my heart so callous and impatient with another, being driven to annoyance at the most minor of things? Why do I feel like another is only tolerating me at times, reminding myself not to get too attached to people? Why do I feel like this world will just be a bounty of lonely and eventually detached people, myself included? Why do i feel like such a failure? I don't know what I'm doing and in times like this, what other anchor do I have but the Lord, my Father?

When my will is so ambiguous and confusing, most of all to myself, I pray wholeheartedly amidst this self-destructive chaos, as first taught by Jonathan Chang at Woodgate:

"Let my will be your will"

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