No more Complacency

okays---so i haven't been focusing much at all on God to be perfectly honest
in other words--i fell into the deepest trap:

complacency & indifference

I read his word for the first time in a while today
and I came to a chapter I had bookmarked earlier in the year

Amos 6: 1-7

Woe to you who are complacent in Zion,
and to you who feel secure on Mount Samaria,
you notable men of the foremost nation,
to whom the people of Israel come!

3 You put off the evil day
and bring near a reign of terror.

4 You lie on beds inlaid with ivory
and lounge on your couches.
You dine on choice lambs
and fattened calves.

5 You strum away on your harps like David
and improvise on musical instruments.

6 You drink wine by the bowlful
and use the finest lotions,
but you do not grieve over the ruin of Joseph.

7 Therefore you will be among the first to go into exile;
your feasting and lounging will end.

i feast, lounge, play, strum, moisturize....not that these things aren't bad
it's because the people in this time period garnered this wealth by cheating the poor

but---i am most definitely one of these overprivileged.
it's amazing how much you realize after only reading seven of God's words
i WAS going to put on here that i'm going to die before this weekend because i have three tests tomm and then a bc final on sat

but then i thought----

there are so many dying in this world
and here i am in an airconditioned, clothed, american dream lifestyle
and what am I doing to change any of that?

I want to make a difference in someone's life right now---
no more complacency
please

Presenting..the MacDonalds

Presenting..the macdonalds--
faith
patrick
&jeremy

If My Heart was a House

If My Heart was a House

home home home home
its never been a house
its been my childhood
my toddler years

my grandfather planted pine trees that were knee high twenty years ago
and now they are thirty feet tall

out of the tulips my parents planted twenty years ago
all have faded away
except for one yellow bloom that surprises us every year
one blink of yellow enveloped in pink azaleas

my bed
so warm

there are lead markings on the doorsills ranging from shuen at age 8: 3'3" to shuen at age 16: 5'3" with an occasional playmate's height thrown in
that nick in the kitchen wall made by our rabbits
the same chair we were rocked to sleep in as babies now in a different corner

every nook and cranny i know the story of
ask me and the stories will evolve every way because there is no end to these tales
hidden until reminded by those markings in the wall

i think that despite all of our shenanigans and cries to be set free
we will always want to return to the nest
yeah, its great that we fly everywhere
explore the world
and want that irrepressible freedom

but to be able to walk into a familiar place is heaven

i've never missed home this much before
home---such a beautiful word

random thoughts of a college roadtripper

Day 1-

drive drive drive...yay!! DC
"shuen, will you sit up and look at the airforce memorial?"
"Baba, you say that everytime we come up..it hasn't changed since thanksgiving"
"well see it again!" x]

reach aunt amy's house..hug cousin stephen..whew we're in for the night

DAY 2

wake up..finish roses for faith&them
eat breakfast with fam plus cassey..another cousin
drive drive drive
...moving at literally 5 miles per hour in connecticut, new jersey, and new york

WHAT??!!!! $9.50 FOR TOLL????!! :OOOOOO
hehe.got a pic of the $8 one too x]

and...the gps is telling us we will arrive in boston at 1 AM...THEREFORE

DAY 3

leave hotel in connecticut
and..visit YALEEEEEE YAYYY
haha my best pick so far...
still hoping god will call me to wherever he wants for me to go

after info and campus tour..eat lunch :9
and REACH BOSTON!!! :DDDD
hehe and eat chinese food
where my oh so lovely macdonald gang is..
spend the whole night talking and being ourselves

DAY 4

Brown---very nice very nice indeed
#3 choice as of now...
eat lunch
dang..all these ivy leagues have HUMONGO buffets *stuffed*

eat dinner @ uno's pizzeria
best..pizza..EVER no joke
me and faith stand outside the bathroom hiding the fact that we're charging the camara battery in the outlet we're hiding hehe x]

faith, patrick, jeremy, me all sleep upstairs in their study

DAY 5
Boston University & Harvard
wow..
did NOT expect to like harvard that much..its #2 as of now
...is god calling me to this school?
i heard so much mention of his name..at the train station, singing amazing grace on the street..

i bought lunch for a homeless person today
but...it seemed like he was lying to me about stuff..

lol..SUCH RANDOM THOUGHTS haha
and...wearing half a facial mask at the moment
BECAUSE we only had one...so we cut it in half hehe
..we look scary..i'll post pics later :]

and...thats my college road trip part 1
ADIOS

Sunflowers

yes ...
Yes....
YES.....
YESSS!!!!!!!!

FINALLY!! I will see my best friend.

Faith MacDonald

man..i'm beyond excited..its not even a describable feeling
So much so that I know I won't feel the effects until I see her in the flesh.
or patrick. or jeremy.

I've heard that Jeremy MacDonald, the younger brother, who is about two grades younger than Wendy is....taller than me
a fact I shall not acknowledge until there is actual physical comparison

why am I even rambling on about height?

I WILL GET TO SEE FAITH!!
all those years spent riding bikes, climbing trees, eating ice cream & dumplings
singing songs, having fights, collecting pokemon

we are complete opposites who are a perfect match

thanks faith..for being the roots and seed of the flower of a person i am now..and most importantly..for giving me God♥
thanks christina...for coaxing that seed out of its shell
thanks bria...for giving that flower water and kept it from wilting
thanks jessie...for being the sunlight to this flower, dont know what id do without you
thanks audry...for giving this flower a cast so it could heal its broken stem
thanks jaime...for making this flower remember God
thanks christine...for taking this flower under your wing and protecting it
thanks victoria...for watering this flower with your love and friendship
thanks monique...for keeping away those weeds and making the pathway straight
thanks penn...for talking to the flower and giving it oxygen♥
thanks sandra...for being that constant source of comfort- fertilizer :]

thanks jesse...for making me respect you
thanks geoffrey...for your refreshing playfulness
thanks patrick...for fighting with me all the time..i love it
thanks alex...for being yourself, i wouldn't have you any other way
thanks alex...for wishing with me on a star that is burned into my memory forever
thanks jun....for neverfailingly making me happy to see you each time we meet
thanks ivan...for always making me smile
thanks ben....for being my big bro
thanks daniel...for caring
thanks hudson....for stealing my stuff, but always giving it back
thanks darren...for always im'ing me first and so much more that im not gonna list it :]

so yes..this post is dedicated to Faith MacDonald truly
because all those people i gave thanks to...
are really giving thanks to the person Faith has made me
and i'll never forget that....

Sun is Shining

okay..enough sad posts
because i really do feel happy
and im actually happy that ive been feeling sad,
because i'm proving to myself that i'm actually human!!!

There are times when I cant decide whether to see you or not, I want to see you because I miss you but there are times when I dont want to see you because everytime I do, the fact that you dont see me the way that I see you hurts me even more ...

what the heck....LOLOLOLOLOL
WENDY & MY DAD JUST BROKE THE STAIR BANISTER

and the sun is shining
i actually have time to think
i can go to the park

life is beautiful in the ways that you never fully expect it to be

FAIL dun dun dun

man..i know that i keep saying that God is calling me to Costa Rica, not to GHP
but please spare me these few minutes of hurt

i'm so happy for all my ghp folks
honestly and truly
that's one of the reasons why my own failure hasn't hit me as hard as it can

i'm just sad that I fail
the two things i wanted out of this year: all-state and GHP
the two things that I said last year that i would work my butt off to achieve
all...gone

no more chances

it actually does hurt some...idunno why, but then who ever knows?
disappointment? too much fried stuff?
the knowledge that all you're going to get are sympathetic stares, "oh its okay, you'll get something else" and
"hey, i'm sorry"

i don't want anyone feeling sorry for me....ever

i only want to be able to feel sorry for myself and then move on from it

Dear John

Done with Dear John
completely heartbreaking
not in the happy way
i sometimes wonder if i'll end up that way

Reading Rainbow

So..as of the moment
I am reading two books

Gone with the Wind
and
Dear John

the latter which i literally got today in second period and am already through more than half of it
its so beautiful
the girls of Nicholas Sparks always makes you want to be that person, to better yourself, to possess an inherent demeanor that they have
a perfect mix of understanding, unique, happy, playful, and sincerity
Ever since I was little, I feel that every girl character I read about becomes a part of me
that I should care about what they care about
that I want to be as carefree and special to someone
this has happened with Heidi, Anne Shirley (Anne of Green Gables), Sara Crewe (A Little Princess), Jo March (Little Women), Cimorene (Enchanted Forest Chronicles), Betty (Archie..hehe), Elizabeth AND Jessica Wakefield(Sweet Valley High)

I feel Scarlett O'Hara's frankness, pride, vanity, and her meanness spread through me...
and i've definitely got more, "you're getting meaner"
I feel Savannah's gentle appreciation of simplicity, her naivety, and determination to work for greater good permeate through my veins, my childhood veins.
and I feel that I am both girls

is that even possible?

I love how much I can be influenced by what I read, that's one of the reasons I love finding a Bible passage that just speaks to me..
But at the same time it's a little scary
What if I read something bad for me?
how will that affect my character?
Or maybe at the moment, i'm just feeling the reader side of rebecca press more strongly

i can never tell exactly what parts of me are most dominant

I'm not going to stop reading--NO WAY JOSE
I'm that harry potter nerd who read each book in the series like twenty times

maybe just learning what's important in each girl's life has helped me be the girl I am today
and hopefully that girl will grow

Rubik's cube

What comes with a Rubik's cube?

.....wow....was NOT expecting that :]

No Use

No Use...

Fulton County Board of Education has decided to cut all elementary band and orchestra programs..

Into the Mic

Into the Mic



Oh my goodness
I can't believe we actually spoke at a Fulton County Board of Education Meeting
Binita was phenomenol-- standing ovation
I had to cut out thirty seconds of my two minute speech, but thats okay
most importantly
I hope that it reached the hearts of the board members and any music teachers there

Vote comes tonight..i can and can't wait

I was so scared throughout this week you know?
It was like, for the first time in my life
(i know reallyyy dramatic, but its true)
i figured out that you can't always just say
"leave it up to the grownups"
because its such a cliche but COMPLETELY true saying----anyone can make a difference.

Pray & Cross your fingers please!!!

3.14159.....

I took a quiz and my geeky quote of the day is---

Love is like pi -- natural, irrational, and very important.

I'm a Fishy ^3^

I'm a Fishy ^3^

Seriously...
i'm so confused
I love Georgia with all my heart
I would love to go to college here
I want to live here when I grow up and have all my elementary school friends around me...be able to say to my kids

"Look! I went to school there! and look! my fifth grade teacher is still carrying that same old purse!"

to have that same excitement when more than two flurries of snow comes down
all these pine trees- poignant and fresh
summer warmth that envelops the body like a blanket
blue skies, the whole alpharetta bit



On the other hand..
I don't want to be in a bubble
a goldfish in a bowl
like that chinese proverb goes
"jin di zhi wa"-- (frog in a well)
hehe about one of the only things i remember from my nine years in chinese school x]

but I want to know if there is more
and be able to reach to more people
leave these incessant arms of security for once

because with this music program craziness coming up
for the first time in my life
i can't just "leave it up to the grownups"
and that scares me..
i need to be able to grow independently and stand on my own

no problem right?
just go and see the world then come home for Georgia

see...its not so simple
Everyplace you live..like with boyfriends
you give a little part of your heart to it
and since i've lived in Georgia my whole life
all of my heart is given to it
anyone who knows me knows that I take pride in being from the south
its without a doubt "home"

But if I go somewhere out of state for college...and maybe to live or work in the future
won't that then become my "new home"
won't that mean that my heart will be split into two pieces and buried in two separate locations?

I feel that if this happens, then I won't ever be completely satisfied in one place
Part of me will always be longing for that other "home"

soo...dilemma, inner conflict, whatever you want to call it

Be a fishy or be a nomad

I know that I have to stop being a fishy
and it will be impossible from becoming a nomad in this process

but i'm just going to wait it out
(man..i'm already waiting out so many other things-----)
and we shall see DUNDUNDUN.....

Floundering...

Why am I so dumb?

Only I would proceed to answer twenty-five questions that I have no clue about
only to find out that instead of taking of .25 for each wrong one like they normally do
the test does (# correct - # wrong).
yay...negative scores

Only I would proceed to make a rose for someone cuz they lost their previous one
only for them to give it away to someone else literally the next second

Only I would dream of having those skinny model legs
only to go and eat one hundred pounds of homemade food (mostly veggies though x])

Only I would get an 800 on my PSAT math
only to completely fail my school and be the disgrace of the chattahoochee math team

Only I would study like a maniac get 90% of my SAT vocab right the first time
only to have to study even harder the second time to show "progression"

Only I would be complaining on a blog
unlike a real person who would actually be conversing with someone else and not mouthing words to themselves in front of the computer

what can I say?

I'm just uniquely dumb~

For You (Version Two)

it doesn't matter
whether who's prettier, nicer, better, more talented, can draw better, can do a handstand
who can get the prom date, or ANY date
who's ranking is better, more likely to get into all-state GHP college and all that junk

actually...it does
the world sees it that way
you never see the computer nerd on TeenVogue
and no one cares if you made semi-finals..only if you actually went all the way
and if you're the girl next door
of course your best friend will be the one to get the guy
that's how it works in the world

And I know we care about it
all those little details that ABSOLUTELY matter
because we wouldn't be US without it
...
and it kills us

this evergoing comparison
never ceasing
constantly teasing
and pulling at heartstrings
that twang that all too familiar tune
"why aren't I, ME, good enough?
was I that easy to forget?"

and even though they smile graciously and cutely
springing out an "of course not"
you always know its true

but thats the thing about the world
thats how it thinks
but no..WE can think about more
because the nerdy girl will get the prom date
ask anyone who's seen the you belong to me music video

and so what if she can do it better?
there are so many other things that you soar high in

and i think you are gorgeous
i always have
since i've first seen you
more than anyone in that room or at your table

because we dont care about what the world thinks remember?
and its hard to follow, but we have to hold true to that
and to live with that constant assessment and judging
its so hard
i know
it makes you this cheerful shell
empty except for those same twanging heartstrings

but we're here for each other
through thick and thin
and do you know what the great thing is?
we both know that we are uniquely amazing

F is not for Friends

today..i got sleep
for the first time in a REALLY reeaallly long time
and it felt good.

to be able to sleep during the day is such a luxury.

to be able to talk with my family around the table instead of the tv is a blessing

to be able to bake, inhaling those blissful aromas is heaven..lol..

i can't believe that we fell into the same rut that so many families fall into,
grabbing a bowl and plopping oneself in front of the computer or tv
family means so much more than that

"OWWW!" wendy is sitting there grinning wickedly
with that culprit of a toothpick in her hand, saying
"oops, I missed the cantaloupe" (hehehe)
(three minutes later)

"OWWWWWW!!!" rebecca is standing there grinning wickedly
with that same culprit of a toothpick in her hand, saying
"oops, I missed the cantaloupe" (hehehe)

difference?
the second time occurs six feet away from where the cantaloupe bowl is

wendy snatches up toothpick
rebecca runs and cowers in laundry room

(exit scene)

that is what family is supposed to be like
not poking one another with toothpicks of course x]
but being a unit of love
singular and integrated
meshing together to form this one gooey batch of debates, teasing, and hugs
iced off with unconditional love

if my dad is standing in my doorway and looking at me with a stern austere face
i know that it's not because i did something wrong
its not because i got an F
its not because my room is messy (actually..nvm this reason is quite possible)
its because i forgot to give him a kiss when he came home

to sit on my parents' laps, to give them bear hugs and kisses
to waltz with my mom in the kitchen
its so natural
because that's how family is to me

so this is just a post for them
because before i had friends
before i started edging out of the nest
they were always there

i love my family♥

Lift Me Up

Isn't it interesting? When we try to please the world, we're put down and start feeling negative emotions. But when we try to please the Lord, even when it seems like it's only making things worse, in the long run, it lifts us up.

By Edward Sun

I was reading Ed's blog and.....when i came across this little phrase right here
i couldn't help but think
1) that is so true
2) i ALWAYS try to please the world
3) have i always tried to please the world before pleasing god first?
4) i want that feeling of contentment that feeling of being "lifted up in God"

Isn't it ironic that we say we do not want to please the world
using that all too familiar statement of "do not conform but be transformed"
and yet..grades, facebook, college prep: the norm of teenager society
have become the norm of our own lives
is that not pleasing the world?

I want to try something
when i pray..i always so Lord, God, Lord and the pattern continues on
but more than anything God is a father
loving til the end...sometimes i forget that
not that he loves me, but that he is my father
that the way i feel towards my own father should be only a slight inkling of my love for God
and right now..that's not how it is

I may love my father more than my Father at this moment
and that's not how it's supposed to be at all..though there should be love for both

but yeah..
our Father in heaven hallowed be your name.
Let me remember that.

Forgetten Links

I love music
that i can say that with certainty

Its alluring SINUOUS waves draw me closer
and it has a tantalizing taste
regardless of the fact that it is heard

"You know what music is? God's little reminder that there's something else besides us in this universe. A harmonic connection between all living beings, every where, even the stars."
-August Rush

And i'm so happy when I listen to it
this asyo winter concert...sibelius almost moved me to tears
those waves keep pulling me in
I will love music for the rest of my life

But dancing will forever be my first love.

Skating..the ice version

PATRICK CHAN

i'm usually not the type to have favorite movie, pop, or sports stars, but this guy here is one of the first people that i seriously love.
I first saw him in the olympics and honestly..he didn't do that well
what really captured me was that he used this beautiful pastiche of phantom of the opera melodies which if you know me...i absolutely love.

and he didn't land his jumps well
but the way he moved
oh my goodnes....
the artistic expression was AMAZING

this coming from the girl who never obsessed over big bang, super junior m, brad pitt and all that good stuff.

soo..then i was pretty sure he could do better
in a huge international competition before, he had even beat out the gold medalist of the olympics
AND HES ONLY NINETEEN :O
so i watched a couple of his vids and he was pretty..amazing
and his movements...absolutely gorgeous
why can't i be as beautiful on ice?

to ice skate like that...uninhibited, flying over blue and white crisps of glistening ice
throwing yourself into an aerial vortex and then springing out of it on one leg.
even picking yourself back up when you're down.

to ice skate is to fly without restrictions, a bird heading home

Joyful, not Happy

blessed am i
i am neither poor in spirit
i am neither mourning
i am neither weak
i am neither that strong in thirsting for righteousness...in that i am weak
i am neither merciful
i am neither persecuted
i am neither pure in heart nor a peacemaker

am I am blessed beyond all imagination
i've left and returned to god's side for so many times
and i just want to stop this coming and going
and just be happy with staying and living.

you guys..please pray for my relationship with god
because i really need to get back on track with that
and im glad because our accountability group is really helping with that

so like i've said before
i'm happy...it's pretty easy

i want to be joyful

Eavesdropping

Sometimes I feel like I learn more from listening to my parents talk in the kitchen than from any textbook.

Topics From Tonight
- other parent's divorces
- the money you make from owning a Popeye's
- what an ironman competition is
- a wealthy man walks into a hotel and lays $100 on the counter
says, "I want to check into a room, but I want to check them out first"
About this time, everyone is in debt, so the hotel manager runs the 100 down to the pig farmer who he owed for meat.
the pig farmer ran it to the grocer he owed
the grocer ran it to the local prostitute he owed
the prostitute ran it back to the hotel manager cuz she'd been staying in the hotel for free.
The wealthy man comes back down and says, "i don't like the rooms" and takes back the 100.
Everyone's debt had been payed and no one gained any money!
...just like the American economy.

Let It Snow

things to be happy about
haha copied from penn

okay..i kind of don't like it when people describe me as happy
not that being described as happy is a bad thing
it just seems so superficial compared to JOY
in general i like it
but...it kind of puts you in a perpetually static state of emotion
and...
i'm definitely not a static state of emotion; au contraire

but okay
that was a random tangent..not really spurred by anything except the appearance of the word happy in my very nonconclusive weirdo brain

okay ANYWAYS

things to be JOYFUL about:
1- this beautiful fairytale snow day...the most gorgeous I have ever seen
2- friends (JESSIE) who you can just be absolutely your liberal creative self with
3- four day weekends
4- knowing that everything eventually turns out right :]

okay..so this winter wonderland was pretty awesome

jessie came over for making a trophy for the canceled coffee house/talent show
and it basically turned into this amazing time together
both just playing, being creative, snowball fights, and just being able to talk
dont you love those people who there is never something NOT to talk about?
those people you know will forever make an impact on your life.
each as individual as a snowflake.

weirdddd

wow...that was surprising
i thought it wouldn't hurt and i'd be okay with it
haha

i guess i lied.

and im still haha-ing

Deaf, not Blind

I remember asking Jesse a long time ago

"would you rather be blind or deaf?"

i was so surprised by his answer, though I shouldn't have been.
"Of course BLIND" he said
of course he would say that, because he is a musician
how can a musician play without his hearing?

but aren't I a musician?
and I said that I would rather be

deaf.

I know I know..all those hardcore musicians who are reading this might go like---psh...then you don't really love music
and I do love music...truly.

I just love the world more.

How can one live without all this color?
to not know be able to recognize your mother's face or see her smile?
To see a table of a feast gorgeously sprawled out over a simple table
to not see the ocean--
the trees
to look at the sky
can you HEAR the sky? blooming overhead, bright and blue?

To have your heart beat when you see that person's face..
To be able to know each color by heart
marigold, cardinal red, sapphire, aqua, honeydew, mint, cream, caramel,
good enough to eat

sepia, olive, lavender, peacock green, peach, magenta, silver, mahogany, violet, wolf gray, pine, burnt orange...
each colored pencil glowing like individual jewels...each priceless..
color my world....
these colors, to see them, is such a blessing
yes music is a way to color the world too..but seeing brings me greater joy than hearing.

After all...you don't need ears to hear God's voice...

fields, flowers, handwritten notes, looming mountains---all sound of music worthy
hehe ironic title x]

my former face on videotapes, old pictures, the happy sight of couples on valentine's day, drawing....without sight none of these could be possible.
even the sight of pain, even though it makes your heart hurt...
it's worth it.
how much the blind miss in life...
Even worse...to know sight then lose your grasp on it...that would be almost unbearable.

I remember that when I heard Jesse's answer that day
i felt almost ashamed that I wanted sight instead of hearing.
I offered an alternative.."wasn't beethoven deaf when he composed?"
"nono..its not the same even still..he would've wrote even BETTER ones if he could hear."

okay...definitely not the comfort I was looking for

For some reason..i was thinking back to that day
and even though I've grown and come to love music more and more.
My love of sight has grown even greater
having been able to recognize each innocent childish face at whirlwind..
the instantaneous joy and fear of walking onto a stage and seeing the multitudes of the audience.
the purples pinks and oranges wraveled with the normal sweet blue of a georgia sunset

If I chose blindness over deafness
then it wouldn't have mattered what I said
because that answer would have meant that I would have already been deprived of the beauty of the world.

What is gone...

Four things you can't recover:

The stone........after the throw. The word.........after it's said..

The occasion........after it's missed. The time.........after it's gone.

Learning to Love

How can I learn to love unconditionally?
Without a single thought for myself..
a pure love

i guess I can only try and find out.

My Blogger Girls

I'm sitting here on a rainy supposedly supposed to be snowy saturday morning
after eating eggs benedict cooked by my sister
harangued by parents about SAT II, reading more current events
and reading friend's blogs.

And as I'm reading, I notice a common theme.

Everyone is analyzing themselves.

And this gets me to thinking, I don't think that i've ever analyzed myself on my blog before.
Or maybe I have and I just haven't noticed it.
LIke I see Penn saying:

I can't empathize because I'm so stubborn and set in my ways. It's not that I think that everybody should be like me, but I hardly see anything from anybody else's point of view. Not because I don't want to, because I just can't. Call me traditional or old-fashioned, but that's how it is, how I am.
I'm incredibly selfish, and it really amazes me how you are so selfless. I want to tell you so much - but there's just too much stuff that doesn't let me. I'm too protective of you, I'm too scared, I'm too proud. See? It's all selfishness.


Christina

I don’t know if it’s that I just haven’t been listening or if it’s that I just haven’t been trying hard enough. But for a long while now I’ve been holding up this “guard” and nothing has been able to break it down.


Jessie:
The problem with me is that I try to too often to assimilate.


Jaime:

I'm extremely selfish beyond repair. I am giving and helpful, but very very selfish at the same time. Selfish on most things, giving in others. A lot more selfish than my giving though.


Bria:

I sort of feel like I'm lost in my own little world. That I put up this barrier, this disguise, so that people won't see how I'm truly feeling. And other times, I feel like I'm just a middleman. Someone who has friends and people to talk with, but doesn't really have a place. Like a wanderer without a home.


And don't get me wrong...ive felt every single one of these things before in my life
some more strongly,
some a prickling in the back of my subconscious, having not emerged yet
Maybe it's all being part of a teenage girl?
hormones? lol
And maybe letting all of this self-evaluation and criticalness is a form of finding an outlet
maybe hoping in that through writing,
you can cut out a window of your heart
so that those curious enough can look in and see the complexity inside.

Because, you know?
we all put up that barrier
and what we crave the most is for someone to break that barrier down, embrace you and say,
"dont worry..im never going to let you go."
We want for those people to be the first person you want to talk to after you go through trauma, joy, or just cuz.
For someone to accept us regardless of any mistakes we have

THAT is why we write on blogs spilling out gut feelings
because we want someone to relate and understand
why else do we get so excited when someone comments on a post?


but you know what?
despite the fact that we are all continually searching for that earthly being to be our soulmate friend.
we also continually forget to look heavenward

and see the friend who takes us as we are.



soo my girlies....
i think that for the rest of our lives we will have friends...good ones great ones
but they will come, go, or stay
and those who stay aren't always the friendship ideal that we crave for always
because there WILL be times when our own tempting selfishness overcomes the needs of our friends....

but because we are bonded through Christ, who sees me as i am, HE can fill the void that we sometimes forget to fill in our friends' hearts. And because of that...be JOYFUL...dont look down on yourself..because we know that one day we WILL be perfect through Him.

After Rehearsal

A 9 year old girl in the orchestra spies the older girl who volunteers each week
feeling the cherry red starburst in her pocket
she made a decision
"Meet me after rehearsal."
After rehearsal:

"here you go."
and walks away

next week
that same older girl comes and whispers in the ear
"I have something for you. Meet me after rehearsal."
After rehearsal:

"here you go"
its a coffee flavored toffee

the little girl runs off out of sight
when she pops back up she says

"does your school let you use mechanical pencils?"
"yes..."
"here you go."

********************************************************
what should i give her next week? o.o

My Best Friend And Me

this was my reflections entry when i was in eighth grade...
it's about one of my best friends Faith MacDonald
and she's special to me because she was my first best friend.
She came over everyday and made me live life
she introduced me to God and shared her church with me.
we fought every other day and made up by the time the bus reached our stop
we climbed trees, scraped our knees, and all that good stuff
When she moved I was devastated
...because who else would be the one i could run to because of any problem no matter how futile?

she's in MA right now, her birthplace
but i hope she reads this one day....cuz we still are best friends♥

My Best Friend and Me

Around the bend a Frisbee flies,
While I sit in the park and think.
Mahogany wood forms the bench where I
Wait for my friend as I link,
Together all the events that flew
Through the week, day by day.
As I pick up my book and begin to read,
I spot her 'cross the bay.
Clothed in green with a pair of blue jeans,
I wave to her, brimming with cheer.
"Faith, I missed you so much when you moved,
But now you're finally here!"
We hug each other, hold on tight,
Think of the places we'll go.
Soar through air on a tire-swing chair.
Sing---one high voice, one low.
We swim in the pool all day and all night,
Never tire of tumbling about.
Faith and I eat mounds of ice cream.
We joke and let our laughs tumble out.
Any place fills with contentment and glee,
As long as my best friend is there with me.

-Rebecca Lam

Reminiscing

so yeah..i've been ruffling through all of my old emails ever since i started in eight grade..
and i love them
i love how much different or the same we all sound
those crazy chain letters that you would get at least ten times from everyone
the jokes
the teasing
the smileys :]
the im convos that had special memories
just the innocent way that people talk

i miss that..
how my close email friends would just be themselves on email
dont get me wrong..facebook and texting and absolutely lovely
but these emails
are like reading an old journal

maybe i'm just too sentimental
that's what my mom tells me...probably true
but without that sentimentality...i wouldn't have found these old emails now would i? >:]

here are some funny ones:
*******************************************
Have you ever had a dream about me? If so, what?:

one, u were hunting me and i kicked u off a cliff and everyone else chasing me were kicked off to or shot( i won't say who they were.)
********************************************
hi rebecca and wendy! i miss u guys so much!how is it doing down there?? its really cold up here. guess wut!!! i hav two recessess at school, one in the morning and one in the afternoon!faith also has one in middle school and in elementary school, highschool, and middle school, you can sit whereever you want at lunch time! and faith and patrick ahv around 6 hours of school and i think i hav even less and they go to school b4 i do and cum home b4 me.....i have to go!!! rite bak!

jeremy 9
**********************************************
I am 25% hated by teachers at school
**********************************************
guess wat pplz?!?!?!
we have sum exciting news!!!...finally
yea anywayz...

[boy] is going out w/ [girl]!!! happened 8:00 pm, April 20th, 2007...xD
tell every1!!! and [girl wants every1 2 kno :]
**********************************************
WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?

On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that Usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.
-- Martin, age 10
***********************************************
Who is this David Baker guy? I have no idea who he is and he keeps sending me emails
***********************************************
out of all the years we've had exams, THEY FREAKIN MADE EXAMS AFTER WINTER BREAK ON THIS WEEK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! u stupid administrative people!!! i hope they all get cursed eating peanut butter their whole life!!! oh and u have to eat reeses pieces because u were bad AND DIDN'T MAKE ALL-STATE WITH ME, NOW I'M ALL ALOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOONE. alone in this big world (stabbing the peanut butter jar)....must release anger....must release anger on yucky peanut butter!
***********************************************
[girl]: CAN......I....HEAR.....YOUR...ALL-STATE........SONG?
[boy]: 2 dollars
[girl]: ummm....no
I feel so bad cuz of the home ec thing
[boy]: u go from the trip to all state to home ec!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! watnext??????????
so ready for AMC??????????????????
[girl]: well, u went from home ec to AMC!!!!
[boy]: i did that to make ur ADD sound better LOL
[girl]: lol, so what is ADD?
[boy]: attention deficite disorder
[girl]: oh, well sorry to hear that u have it....LOL
**********************************************************
this is for poor rebecca since she doesn't have gmail and can't read this doc without some one copying and pasting it to her. we all feel sorry because she can't just get a new account on gmail that takes like 600 seconds at most to do. (althought it might take 600000000000 seconds on the world's slowest and oldest computer that still functions that is combined with the world's slowest internet, but you obviously don't have either of them so that really doesn't matter) we feel so bad because she can't take the time to move her emails, even if google is willing to offer to move her emails for her. it doesn't take that long, but she doesn't have the 6000 seconds it takes for gmail to copy the emails. or so she says, while she has the 6000 seconds needed to write out the upbeat academy form, she doesn't have that time to start a gmail account. thats just a shame. no matter what gmail does, apparently in rebecca's view, it'll always be inferior to yahoo, no matter what, even if everyone in the world said gmail was the best. someday everyone will hate yahoo (even and includeding the creators) and rebecca will still be like, yahoo is the best. and when a bush gets way too tired of yahoo, he'll call a convention at un and have everybody strike down yahoo servers. and after that, rebecca will move to hot mail saying, everything but yahoo sucks, yahoo rocks, which will one day lead to her demise.

(me): yeah..you really didn't have to read all of that if you didn't want to
**************************************************************

and plenty more.....
so just wanted to say to all those people who i just clicked "check mail" for over and over again every other second
to those who made me laugh and smile at mmy desk
and made wendy think i was a complete psycho

thank you for your emails
they mean so much to me

So Close

"So close to reaching that famous happy ending
Almost believing that this was not pretend
Let's go on Dreaming for we know we are..
So Close and still....
So Far"

Moving On

okay..today i came to school all anticipated
heart beating fast
you know when you feel weighed down cuz you have something on your mind?
yeah that's it...

and....i didn't make it
didn't even make that stupid fake list
and...i really just want to cry
but i can't..literally

for some reason i can't cry like a regular person
and i want to..
i felt like i could in third period, but no way...not in school
and once that feeling passes once..can't return to it
i mean..ive already come to terms with it so many times in the past
but this year all-state was my dream
it was my pinnacle of my year if i made it
and i know that there are tons of others who probably are better than me

but i know that not even half of them

wanted it as badly as i did

there's no possible way
people only feel that much want for special things that are close to the heart
its not an ordinary everyday feeling by any means

And it makes me so angry, even though i'm still smiling,
when people treat their spots in all-state like garbage..like something that is disposable if they wanted it to be
do you know how much of an insult that is to people who want that spot with so much want?
sure they may deserve it more..but do they honestly want it more?

I want to cry..but I can't

But at least one good thing came out of it..
I felt God with me during my audition :]

At all auditions, never fail, I quake and shake and tremble like a leaf in a spiderweb
of course..my sound c c comme es es ow ow utt t l l l i i kkkkke
im stuttering..which is funny because i stutter too haha
and my tone then basically sounds horrible
Usually before auditions like these, I'll pray, "God please just let me get in."
But it doesn't matter right?
Because it's his will anyways
So this time i prayed, "God please be with me, don't let me quake and tremble..let me TRUST (eh eh? word of the month ^.^) in you and your almighty powers and let me believe."

and guess what?

i didn't shake..of course i messed up but that was because of my own doing
God's hand weighed down my shoulder and calmed my fingers so I could play with tone.

And you know what? Even though I think that i'm going to carry all-state with me for a while in my mind..I came across a verse recently that said,

"No eye has seen,
no ear has heard,
no mind has conceived
what God has prepared for those
who love him"

-1 Corinthians 2:9

so...i'll be waiting God...and I'm excited
I don't think that I can take all-state away from my heart yet
because it was so deeply ingrained in my desire
but like always..you fill that void Lord.

You Are the Music in Me

wow...coming across this RIGHT before all-state
it's so meant to be

"I believe in the power of music. I believe music transcends the barriers of race, religion, gender, language, age, and culture. I believe music has the power to inspire dreams and bring understanding to all people.

Everyday I can use my hands to play the viola is a blessing. Everyday I take what God has given me and learn to inspire others through my hard work. Whether I am practicing or performing, I always give my best effort and tolerate nothing else.

I am a martyr for music. No matter who the audience is, no matter what ranking they have garnered from this world, I step onto that stage before me and let them know who I am and why I deserve that stage. Their condemnation means nothing to me – I live to serve and please only one master – but their wisdom I heed.

If this gift is taken from me, I will not be bitter. My time will pass and others will soon fill the world with inspiration. Whether I play or not, music will exist in my heart and the hearts of those who continue to inspire.

Music is about the effort I put into it, not the sound that others hear and judge. I am a musician and this is my legacy."

-vivian liu

inspiring huh?
well this is my own creed

"when i'm in that auditioning room,
gone will be the nervousness, the indecision, and the doubt.
God's hand will weigh down my shaking shoulder
Turning that fleeting scratch into a tone
rich and vibrant, precise and liquid
Closing my eyes
I will choose to trust."

Bounded

This is from my friend Penn's story...and I was really touched by this paragraph.
To me, I think it's seriously number two in my list of favorite quotes with my anne of green gables one (see post: For You).
soooo here goes..

"There is no such thing as "love at first sight". There is no such thing as "falling in love" or "falling out of love". There is such thing as being Bound and Unbound. There is such a thing as having Sighted and not having Sighted.
Actually, we are all Bound. We are all Bound to somebody out there, in this vast, overpopulated, overcrowded world - but for technical purposes, we will say that you are Bound once having Sighted, and Unbound when not having Sighted. Most of the time, being Bound brings happiness - we were meant to be! It is fate! The predetermined way of things! My love! My one and only true love! - but sometimes, in very rare cases, fate plays a cruel trick on us and we are Bound to the wrong person.

So? you question. So what? We don't have to stay with them? Right? It's just fate.

Right. You don't HAVE to. You can mingle with others who are Unbound, or with others who are unhappy with their match; those who scoff at the thought of fate; those who do not listen to their hearts, but their selfish, shallow minds; those like yourself.

But there will always be that deep pain inside you, a longing that gnaws at your inner being if it hasn't already plagued your heart once you have Sighted the one you are Bound to. You can't ignore this feeling, hide it away, or push it to the back of your mind, even if you are with one you are not Bound to, even if you can ignore the one you are Bound to. You will never be able to get rid of them completely, they will be like a constant alarm you can't turn off. Bounded. Bounded. Bounded, your heart will say, panging with hurt with every beat. You are Bounded. Where is your Bound one?, it will follow you and question like a guilty conscience. Bounded. Where is your Bound one?

I knew I was Bound from the moment I saw her wide brown eyes from across the loud, dark room - I had Sighted. But I would've given anything to turn back time and not Sight her at all."

Pennies for Thoughts

i don't even know what to title this entry, just because i'm just going to write and write and type while never having any prewriting, thesis (thesees?), or any premeditation whatsoever
just whatever is purely on my mind...which you will be surprised at, because believe me, my mind is a very strange place :)

but, I just feel overwhelmed right now, with all-state coming up and whatnot, because for one thing, i had a horrible lesson today and it's made me doubt my playing skill with every single one of the excerpts and i'm just like.....dead..gone..kaput

why am i so tired all the time? both mentally, emotionally, and physically cuz you're tired when you get no excercise x.x
will i even make the volleyball team next year?
i need to practice my spanish for ghp..
what happened to my resolution to do devotions everyday?
why can't i just trust in god and be happy?

i know what i need to do..the hard part is doing it

I want to be a good friend, sister, daughter
I want to set a good example as a student and a christian
i want to be able to watch my toddler videos in peace and laugh my head off

and yet, none of that really matters, because it doesn't matter what i want, but what god's will is....

so...word of the weeK; trust

i think that trusting is one huge thing that i need to overcome (don't you just love that word? overcome...it gives you such a sense of aspiration)
but really, for me trust is to cows as is impossible is to flying over the moon.
did that even make sense? lol

and even what little bit i'm saying now is ten times more thatn what i would've even thought i could say when i was in eighth grade...i really have christina to thank for that..she brought me out of my shell
and bria let me release my shell a little farther than before
i love you guys really♥

even still..with all this love and support from my friends
i can't say everything...
i will definitely talk about what is on my mind..just not everything that is on my mind...a lot of times i find solace in god because he judges me all the time
and he knows anyways
i think that i would like one guy friend (to balance things out) that i can talk to like a girlfriend...
i don't know why, but i've always hung out with guys more than girls...more natural i guess, less judgmental, always competitive, and they don't care if you make a degrading statement to them

i'm reading this manga ..actually the first manga i've ever read online..hana kimi
i like the characters i see a lot
but in this one manga, this time i actually wanted sano, a high jumper, to be real
i don't know if it was because it was my first manga or what, but his character really left an impact on me and for the many days that i spent reading it, i would look at my guy friends and think, "hmm that's kind of what sano does a lot."

he kind of reminded me of my friend aaron a bit too, just cuz they're both tall and skinny...
i've also noticed another trend in my thinking...

ever since i've been a little girl, i've always had a guy friend that i always admired deeply
i think it was because they played violin...but still i've had people i've admired that don't play violin..but some of the ones i felt the most admiration for mostly played violin

like...when i was toddler little like two...i don't remember him
but i've been watching videos and remember who he was...his name was wei wei and he lives in california
now...he's like the youngest member ever in the california youth symphony or something like that?
he even held his own concert to raise money for typhoon relief funds ..i know right?
wow
his dad showed me youtube video of him playing just for fun and i was so amazed...

when i was bit older and just started playing violin...there was this boy ross
who was about two years older than me
i remember that whenever he talked about violin, his whole face would light up and boy he was good for his age...
he was one of the first people that i remember truly admiring to the point of being in awe...plus he was nice to us little kids too which is always a plus ;D
i wonder what he will become..

in elementary school...wesley gillis
it's actually pretty cool..cuz i've seen him some since then

skipping middle school

freshman year...definitely ivan
i think that was the first year i had really heard him play before..
and it was so clear and resonated so beautifully that it really made me look at him in a different way.
plus he's always been a good friend since taylor road
we were both in the older kid's orchestra our sixth grade year and i really do look up to him a lot
haha i have this thing where i will never let him hear me play alone, just cuz

just high school is general...daniel
all i had heard about him at first was that he was first chair either asyo or all-state?...i was like..o.o dang
and then came along nashville and i was REALLY shy and kinda scared cuz this guy was legendary!
then on nashville i really got to know this kindhearted extremely modest guy
and i still admire him now

what is it with me and violin? haha
i've admired a lot of girls too...but i don't know my top two..michelle liu and ashley dozier....well enough to really write a whole long bit about them

whew...my brain feels uncluttered a tiny bit now...
i want to go rejoin my kung fu class...
haha having fun with my random trains of thought? xD

i was looking for a good clean sounded youtube video of one of my favorite christian songs: after the music fades
but to no avail
i love this song so much, because in last year's winter retreat 08, i was actually moved to tears by the holy spirit...
you know that feeling where your whole chest tightens up?
almost the feeling you get when you have a crush..but a hundred times more powerful
and your eyes go runny on you blurring your vision?
you're just overwhelmed by love and god's glory...
yeah...that feeling right there
it almost paralyzes you and that void in your chest is filled

if you don't know what i'm talking about..then you've never noticed that that hole was there before that's all
because everyone has that hole..and once it's filled....it's the best feeling in the entire world
unsurpassable, indescribable, amazing...words are futile

and to think that what i felt then was a miniscule percent of what i felt at nashville

there is so much in life that god holds for me...i just got to trust...

Time is a Present

There's no time like the present,
No present like time
And life can be over in the space of a rhyme.
There's no gift like friendship
And no love like mine.
Give me your love to treasure through time.

My Resolution to Keep My Resolutions

Okay as we all know, the new year is the official time for a new start, new goals, and new changes. Even though this is typically the time to do this..i want to make a resolution not only to keep the ones that i'm making now, but a resolution to keep on making resolutions. There's always a higher standard that one can set for herself and I want to meet that standard whatever it may be.
The ideal would to become like Christ and i'll never be able to meet that ideal
but I want to get the closest I can!

1. Maintain and keep improving my relationship with God
2. Do Devotions every day!
3. Make all-state this year >.<
4. Get into GHP------gotta practice lol
5. Make lifelong friendships
6. Work at a soup kitchen
7. Have a picnic!
8. Take a night to just look at the stars
9. Make handmade crafts to sell online for next year's xmas
10. Sew one of my designs!
11. Choose a college and career so everyone's parents will stop asking me both questions
12. Earn money----some way
13. Take time to write out thank you cards
14. Take time to give out a smile and a hug
15. Reach out to a person that I don't know
16. Have the willpower to take away distractions
17. Keep my room clean without my parents nagging me about it :3
18. Learn to speak Spanish and Chinese fluently (i know this won't take just a year)
19. TAKE RISKS!!!!
20. To take time to go outside a bit each day
21. Get all A's preferably 95+
22. To take a week and cook dinner every day
23. To start a recycling program
24. To make varsity vball
25. TO better myself each day according to God's will
26. To get my list of people to get to know God
27. To make a difference in a random stranger's life
28. To plant a flower

and so much more that i'm sure that I will think of later and go
"why in the world didn't i put that on my blog?"

But i know that through each of these things....i can be living life a bit more to the fullest
wasting none of these precious god given moments
that's what i want for my life to be filled with
with moments...not activities or plans
with those little moments..so wondrous
that you can't forget for the rest of your life

People

okay....you see..i was going to add this to my give thanks to everything post down two below
but then as usual i got lazy and i just didn't add it, cuz i didn't have enough time to write about everyone that i wanted to....

so i'm just gonna post this for now..and then do continuations
sound good? :]

As for order, I'm starting off with one person and then the next person is connected to the previous one in some quirky way that my mind thinks of :]

Bria my most awesome, biomass dissing, anime loving, and overall such a purehearted friend. i dont know what i'd do with out you sometimes cuz you're able to make me forget whatever i'm upset about and can make me laugh NONSTOP haha...plus my sister loves you..which is another tiny perk haha. through volleyball, orchestra, just EVERYTHING..i feel so so so so so sosososo blessed that we were on the team together in freshman year. seriously, it so changed everything...and i love that we were able to just hang out and just be the gruesome twosome haha i know that you'll be silly and hyper at times and yet serious and deep at other times..and those two put together ..wow

they make up one of the most amazing personalities that i know <3

Jessie wow...wow..WOW.. there is no other way to describe you jessie and yet, i'm still going to anyways :]. as Tom Cruise says, "you.....complete me" cept ur not renee, you're much MUCH more awesome, like the big ol' blazing sun. haha..i know that i'm probably going to repeat a lot of what i said on your facebook post..but still, its all 100% true.

we've had so many memories together haha..thats the sign of when you spend too much time with someone..when you have so many memories that you forget half of them lol. let's see here: nashville (category of its own), sunday school, ocee park, MUSCLE, haha movies, retreats, netherworld, youth group, every sunday..man do you know how good it feels to see your sunny face every single sunday? honestly, its something that i always look forward to and something i deeply miss when you're not there :] and best of all..i love how we can talk about nothing and everything and RELATE haha and walk with god together

Monique haha who would've thunk that you'd be the person i'd spent the most time with in thxsgivingisk festivities :D BWAHAHAHAHA ahaha i finally realized that if you can spend a night with someone where you are both SOO loopy that you are willing to play with mr. potato head, then you can talk about everything and anything forevermore haha.. dang girl..same with jessie...NASHVILLE...oh my changed everything in my life but one of the greatest things was that it brought you to me! wow..i just love you and your whole family and you've been through so much even though you attempt to be cheerful 24/7..and i love you for that too..honestly, with so many people, especially you, i just have so much love for..because i don't think that i would be anywhere close to where i am now in my path with god, without your loving support..and just EVERYTHING!! haha..yes, including your infamous megan fox pose LOLOL

Ivan where to start..i simply don't know where haha. since sixth grade, i have to say i've always admired you so much because of your violin skills haha you know i have a weakness for just watching someone play and be like o.o lol. but you know..that's old school..everyone knows that you can play well. the part that i love about you the most is definitely absolutely ultimately your awesome personality, no doubt. haha, i know that i tease you tons, get mad (actually not really lol x]) when you and say stuff bout certain people, and i say stuff i really don't mean, but the good stuff..i really DO mean :] cuz honestly, i really love each and every time i get to talk to you about some random thing, whether its on facebook or some random meeting lol. wow we've just been through so so much together haha..surviving middle school orchestra, surviving three different high school conductors, math team, new york, SCHOOl, and there could be soo much more haha if you actually come to the stuff i invite you to :]

but all in all...your friendship really means a lot to me TRULY AND DEEPLY!! :DD

Daniel hey mr. chyan.. mr. i never see at church anymore..LOLOL..oh my i just thought of something that happened last sunday..haha i was asking your dad if you were coming to church (gosh mr. absentee ;) and then WABAM..haha he whips out his cell phone and is like..daniel? mmhmm oh yeah..rebecca's asking for you LOLOL and i didn't even realize it until he said my name ahaha....but yeah..miss you tons at church..how long you've been my service partner for? mmhmm quite a while. ever since nashville. ohh my nashville..each person i write to i look back to it. Remember that last night, all that crying, all that deep talk until like 5AM, don't you want to go back to it so much? haha..i need more memories with you for sure :] but you've been so good to me daniel, honestly, always being one of the first to greet me every sunday, helping me get over my grandfather's death, so much, and i really TRULY appreciate it. :D also, thanks for being an inspiration for violin too...i remember being scared when i first met you..cuz i was like..wow i've heard so much bout this guy, but then you made me feel right at ease..cuz that's just the type of person you ARE!! haha.never change and skip all that asyo stuff on sunday :]

Alex oh my do i honestly need to explain myself AGAIN?!! haha..well 1) you are just too awesome 2) reading your work makes me feel like i'm reading an actual author or theologist 3) i love having someone remind me 24/7 to focus my concentration on God 4) i'm excited to go against you in a video game someday haha..not online..like legit game system -.- 5) i love your laugh..it reminds me of sunny..your whole mouth is a perfect curve up and then the eyes squint up like this xD 6) do i really need to explain this to you all over again? ahaha...go read your facebook you internet addict ;D

Victoria victoria i adoria you..haha you remind me of a disney movie, ignore the fact that i'm watching aladdin right now as we speak lool. knowing you're there at EVERY SINGLE church event wow. you are by far, the most dedicated person i know in your pursuit in your walk with God and your love for everything in the world around you, children, friends, the daily blessings in life, and DOMO haha. you're gonna do so much in the world victoria cuz you've already done so much in people's lives just around little old atlanta. i ALWAYS see you going out of your way just to talk to someone...and i love all of your complex emotions, whether they're hurt, joy, frustration, love hehe, and so much more, because you deem me special enough to share them with me, and i love that openness about you..PLUS your awesome sincerity. honestly, i could go on all day listing all day ;D

and..there is oh so much more...
i haven't even begun...
so watch out for your name :]

Cards

I absolutely love cards..believe it or not
I keep almost every single one of them that i've received..and even if they just say merry christmas, love so and so, they picked out that card specially for me and took the time to actually write one.

But, the ones that are the most special year after year aren't the ones that have fancy glitter or little pop-up figures or those crackmeup sayings (though some are quite funny :])
They can be only a sheet of notebook paper, on plain typed up black and white printer paper, or maybe this tiny post it note ripped in half.

I was looking through these cards the other day...hundreds of sentences, thousands of words, and millions of letters, all spent on me! haha..don't I feel special :]

But there's so much difference a card can make. The best kinds of cards sometimes don't even have to say good stuff, they can talk about the bad stuff too. It's not just handing out obligatory compliments or giving random quotes. It can say, "I'm using this font because it comes from Batman cartoons" (gee..i wonder who this card was from LOLOL)
or there can be a drawing that touches your heart..because 1) you could never do that 2) you KNOW it took that person forever.

And then, the greatest part of all..the WORDS!♥♥♥
oh my goodness...i cannot tell you how much those words envelope me when i read them, the sentences that read completely sincere..dang..they just ring in my head.
And I love how each one reminds me of exactly the moment when it was given to me.
Honestly, I'm getting excited just writing about it haha ;]

Sometimes when I write cards too, I can tell people so much more than i can in real life. Sometimes, I just don't take the time to tell people the things I do in cards.
Sometimes, I'm just too shy to tell people stuff in real life.
Sometimes, maybe I just want to let them have an everlasting memory of me

Anyways, just wanted to put this out there as a tribute to cards, cuz I know for me, they brighten up my day by like 18 degrees celcius
and when this cardgiver isn't there with me...
I can look back, and all the feelings, memories, and thoughts I have of that person just come rushing back like no other.

Give Thanks for ....Everything

Give thanks for the sun give thanks for the moon
Give thanks for the fresh clean air
Give thanks for the mountains sea and shore
Give thanks for the love that we share

Give thanks for the food we're about to eat
Give thanks for our neighbors too
For now is Thanksgiving and most of all
I'm thankful just to be here with you

We all have someone who's helepd us along
Who was there when we needed a hand
We all have something to be grateful for
It isn't very hard to understand

The high pitched voices of my fifth grade classmates pierce me even now, you know...that cute little chirp even the boys have and the exaggerated gapings of the mouth...
But this song we sang every year and I just remember it was my favorite thxsgiving tradition for chorus
six years later
and I remember it perfectly.
Really, sometimes I don't think that Thanksgiving gets enough hype. Especially for not it's worth.

Every single day, I look around me and go wow..I am blessed..so undeservingly it's crazy and I know that too. It kills me after I make such a big fuss about some minute miniscule little matter, some trivial materialistic fight, cuz when I look back on it, it's so ridiculous I can't even admit that that person was me haha.

Sometimes God blesses me too much too, cuz I will sit back and be like, what did I do to deserve to be this happy? And I probably shouldn't be that happy, cuz then I get complacent. But sometimes I just can't help but be happy, loving this life I have, reminiscing about every blissful memory, it's a habit whether good or bad.

But, getting off topic of my original point (for those of you who had mrs. hartfield, TANGENT!! :D) I'm so happy and thankful that I have each and everyone one of you guys around me. so, yup this is my turkey day shoutout, cuz I truly am thankful to you....some of you have impacted my life in more ways than you could possibly imagine, and I don't think..
actually i KNOW FOR SURE
that I would not even be close to being the person I am today with the same morals, values, thoughts, habits, everything.

I really love you guys...and don't you forget it :]
Happy Thanksgiving Y'all...
(I gotta use y'all, i'm so used to having a southern thxsgiving with my family after all xD)

I'm a gonna make you work...

long time no see old bloggy friend.... actually, i had almost forgot about you until my blog partner JESSIE♥ inspired me with her awesome posts....

sooo, this past week has been pretty hectic..lots of evaluating type things and these are the things that scare me the most i remember when I was a ittle bitty kid on swim team, i honestly never wanted to compete, go to the meets or any of that good stuff. I just liked practices. I just like swimming, no worries, no stress, no frustration. Just straight up loving what I did.

Nowadays there's all this pressure to do well. And I get that I really do. I'm a more than competitive person myself and I don't see much fun in it if you're not playing to win. But that's not all that counts. But that's what they tell us in high school. No one really cares if you tried out for a competition, but only if you win it.

okay, so I know that you want to know what I'm talking about. It's just everything right? Saturday: all-state auditions
Saturday: State Volleyball Tournament (though I didn't get to play...i'm kinda upset about that) Monday: GHP interviews
and the list goes on and on.... cause you see...all of these sorts of things have a second round to them. And if I could make the first rounds of any of them, I'd be ecstatic, over the moon, flat out happy....but then that little bit of mentality pokes and tugs at your mind reminding you that the fight isn't over yet.. getting exhausted yet? :] but despite everything, I know it's worth fighting for.

Volleyball's over, but never in my life did I think that I would be able to be on this varsity team, let alone in the final four top teams in the state. It is a memory I will never lose, though I did lose my voice x].

If I make all-state for the first time ever, I will not take it for granted, cuz that is an honour and opportunity that I would ABSOLUTELY LOVE. Spending time with orchestra friends, playing in Savannah....but right now it's so farfetched that all I can do is practice my heart out.

Finally here comes the one and only Governor Honor's Program.....en espanol...para mi that is. I'm not even going to talk about this, cuz I'll jinx my chances haha ^^

so basically, it all comes down to work.... that was our team's motto this year.
but y'know.... though winning would be great....I'd much rather learn how to live life the way God wants it to be, living it smart, filled with love laughter tears hugs and people

"The work goes on, the cause endures, the hope still lives and the dreams shall never die."

gotta long road ahead of me....

FRUSTRATING

Why is it that every single time i change the template
i can't see my posts?
this is getting to be VERY VERY frustrating
(hehe...also because i'm using study time to do this ;])

but HELP!!!! anyone..honestly argh


on the bright side...
jambalaya tonight ♥

oopsie

okay..so i just changed the template and...
wabam
everything is erased..not really
haha i just can't figure out how exactly to put my old posts back on....sooo....
hold on a sec por favor ;D

Finally

Do you know what it's like to keep pushing onwards?
Keep pushing and fighting and yelling until you can't hold anymore inside of you?

yes, I am describing our volleyball game against Northview today THIS day October 6th, 2009 PM.
yes, that day :]

i feel good