Guarding The Heart

"Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it." Proverbs 4:23 (NIV)

So true.

Confusion

Just came back from one of the best times at Jesse's house. We haven't lost our twin touch, or loss of things to speak with each other. We're both growing and changing in our own ways, from his developing interest in korean girl groups to my singing karaoke in front of a group of strangers for the first time. It makes me wonder, how can we be so similar, so alike, yet not believe in the same God?

The Service Patch

"The discussion also reinforced a thought I’ve had in many other contexts: that community service has become a patch for morality. Many people today have not been given vocabularies to talk about what virtue is, what character consists of, and in which way excellence lies, so they just talk about community service, figuring that if you are doing the sort of work that Bono celebrates then you must be a good person, such as how can I most productively apply my talents to the problems of the world? It’s about resource allocation.
People are less good at using the vocabulary of moral evaluation, which is less about what sort of career path you choose than what sort of person you are.

In whatever field you go into, you will face greed, frustration and failure. You may find your life challenged by depression, alcoholism, infidelity, your own stupidity and self-indulgence. So how should you structure your soul to prepare for this? Simply working at Amnesty International instead of McKinsey is not necessarily going to help you with these primal character tests.

When I read the Stanford discussion thread, I saw young people with deep moral yearnings. But they tended to convert moral questions into resource allocation questions; questions about how to be into questions about what to do.
It’s worth noting that you can devote your life to community service and be a total schmuck. You can spend your life on Wall Street and be a hero. Understanding heroism and schmuckdom requires fewer Excel spreadsheets, more Dostoyevsky and the Book of Job."

-David Brooks, The New York Times

Radical Gospel

“The modern-day gospel says, 'God loves you and has a wonderful plan for your life. Therefore, follow these steps, and you can be saved.' Meanwhile, the biblical gospel says, 'You are an enemy of God, dead in your sin, & in your present state of rebellion, you are not even able to see that you need life, much less to cause yourself to come to life. Therefore, you are radically dependent on God to do something in your life that you could never do.” 

― David Platt, Radical: Taking Back Your Faith from the American Dream

Motivation

Sometimes it just seems that I get these sporadic bursts of energy and motivation that last until I make that first excuse for myself. As soon as that excuse appears in my mind, it preys upon me and gives me all kinds of leeway that causes me to easily give up on whatever it is I'm doing. It's in everything, from sports, to friendships, to classes. Am I so easy, so little of heart to just be someone who gives up and leaves it to a pathetic excuse like that?

Crazy Dreams

just had the WEIRDEST DREAM. i was at this fake school that i've dreamed myself into before, very Rice-ish, and i was working for Dumbledore, whose team for some reason also included in its masses Legolas and Gimli, but one day when Voldemort extended me an offer, for some reason i took it and began working undercover for Voldemort. and Hawkeye from Avengers was on his team too. but during one of our meetings the press barged in and began taking pictures and i covered my face and RAN. we were in a made-up mall i've dreamed about too, and i just ran throughout the mall, and finally made it out of the mall. they called in a team of chinese investigators, so that if i used my Chinese, they could immediately tell how good it was or what region my parents were from, so i refrained from using Chinese at all. And then slowed to a walk while walking through them to act like an ordinary shopper exiting the mall. Ran into two friends from Rice too, Belicia Ding and Kurt Ko. 

When i got back to my dorm, there were huge lines waiting to get inside the dorm because for some reason everyone was taking the backside like i normally do. When i went up, the others went ahead, but i made Hudson wait behind and we went into my room. And told him that I was the one the press were searching for. and people kept pasting these stars and notes on my door, sympathetic, some hurtful, and they came more and more as they began finding out that i was the betrayer, the one working for Voldemort. 
crazy right?

another crazy dream I had on the plane ride back to Haiti was there was this festival at Rice. And Wendy was performing in some sort of karate hip-hop show/demonstration. And as the crowd began gathering more, I was with Zephan and for some reason, on top of the karate pyramid was Andrew Hsu, who was wearing like a samurai kimono type thing with a skirt thing instead of pants. So then Zephan yelled, 

"Those are the most hairless legs I've ever seen!" 

And everyone could NOT stop laughing. I was scandalized, but laughing because no one could stop. The end. 

"...he learned much else without being taught, such as looking out for himself and watching his tongue and not saying the wrong thing, the thing that might get him killed. About the dignity of the lost, about losing, and how it cleansed the soul to accept defeat, and about letting go, avoiding the trap of holding on too tightly to what you wanted, and about abandonment in general, and in particular fatherlessness, the lessness of fathers, the lessness of the fatherless, and the best defenses of those who are less against those who are more: inwardness, forethought, cunning, humility, and good peripheral vision. The many lessons of lessness. The lessening from which growing could begin."

                                                                       -Salmaan Rushdee (The Enchantress of Florence)

Home

"All these people were still living by faith when they died. They did not receive the things promised; they only saw them and welcomed them from a distance. And they admitted that they were aliens and strangers on earth. 14People who say such things show that they are looking for a country of their own. 15If they had been thinking of the country they had left, they would have had opportunity to return. 16Instead, they were longing for a better country—a heavenly one. Therefore God is not ashamed to be called their God, for he has prepared a city for them."

[Hebrews 11:13-16]

just made me think about how much I extol Georgia. I talk about it and boast about it, and sometimes in a way idolize it as the place where I grew up, my home, my love. But it might not be as good to cling to it completely, because I know of a MUCH better place that I can boast about even more so. God, you are good by giving me my great home in Atlanta, but I am going to come home to you even more so. Just knowing my feelings of returning home this summer, how much more can they be magnified when I return to your arms as your daughter?

Words Out of My Mouth

How empty is it when you go
to the places you once knew
without the people you used to know
And you know they won't be there
yet all the memories still are
all the feelings
the sights and sounds
laughter
your face
who I used to be.
who we used to be.


Reblogged from Penn's blog. Just thought this was scarily accurate

Stretched

Sometimes I feel so caught between me, myself, and I, especially the past and future versions of myself.

There are times when I feel like a baby, a wee toddler, wanting to climb back into the warm arms of home and my parents, content with my childhood friends and just knowing that we'll be together always. I've been feeling this more this past week than I have this semester so far.

And I don't know what causes it. Maybe because we all are going in so many directions and I can't do anything to stop it. Christine's going to England, Sandra's in California, Penn wants to go to Thailand, Hudson to China, who knows where Ivan and Jesse will end up, Monique is in New Zealand, and we're growing up. Even my friends at Rice now have such a limited time in my life that it seems so fleeting sometimes. Belicia, Julia, and Olivia will all probably go back to California, Mimi back to Taiwan, Cindy to New York, and already the seniors leaving this year have their own places to go. Everyone has their own place to go. And I'm still that child willing to leave home, but not to move home.

Then I see my future self, traveling around the world, maybe even living in Spain, working in Taiwan, even living in Houston. There are too little lifetimes to do what I want to do. And too little time to do even one lifetime as well as I want to. Trusting in God is right, and I beat myself for my anxious heart, but sometimes I do feel anxious. It's actually the opposite of Alex's word time, I'm no impatient, but rather the other extreme, wanting to draw out a few years into long stretched out eons. I get lonely in the midst of friends, because I'm too busy thinking about how they're eventually going to leave me. That is one thing, I tend to cling to people. When I have someone who I really love within my grasp, I selfishly do not want to let them go, and thus am the last one standing, because I'd stand for eternity if they wanted to as well, whether it was good or bad for either of us.

I am not worried or anxious about love, but rather can't imagine myself at all in it for a long time. I'm yet a kid pretending to be a girl who is trying to be a woman. And then what? What if it takes me forty years to break down the very walls of memories and guarding that I've realized I've begun to construct?

The fact that I am thinking and actually blogging (yeah..i know) is also probably a result of my first phone interview about an hour ago. It was good, and hopefully I have a good chance, but boy, my heart was racing and my words flying at a nervous rate they haven't traveled at in ages. Feels like I ran a race and then just stopped to a standstill, my body sedentary and my pulse zooming ahead towards the finish line. And thinking of internships made me think of the future, and then thinking of being back at home in Georgia, and then feeling torn between the past and present all over again.

I've always felt this way growing up, and am just realizing that now. In the house, the older sister was my primary role, but there were ample times when I felt younger than Ting. In school, I was always younger, but sometimes felt years older in what I pondered while at the same time operating a much younger level of social awkwardness. Doing college apps, you'd think that you'd ruminate the most on what they would receive from you, what you will contribute: future tense. And yet, it was a period when I dwelled in my soaked album of memories over and over again.

Past and present. Future and past. Present and Future. Always a mix of them, and never just the present.
Gah..being torn in so many time vectors (think right hand rule) makes my being feel so stretched.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that I miss you. All of you. Even those of you who are here with me currently. Because I don't want to let you go.

Cycles

Every time I think I'm good with it. I'm done. It's completely gone. I get slapped upside the head all over again.

God Please

I don't know if I did the right thing. so please God, just answer me. I can't live not knowing if i did what was right.

True Prosperity

Economic historian Avner Offer says,

True prosperity is a good balance between short-term arousal and long-term security.

I consider my long time security to be with God always.
My short-term arousal is his work in my life and witnessing it in others, and yes, life is short-term.
God, you ARE true prosperity...but we already knew that :]

our walk to WOMANHOOD in Christ! (Reposted from Jessie's Blog)

but anyways, women's bible studies!! AHHHH WHAT A WONDERFUL THING! so christine started a group with me, jaime, and rebecca (and we're hoping hannah will join too), doing bible studies solely focused on WOMEN and their roles and how they fit into the whole biblical lifestyle. and so our first meeting was yesterday! and we went through genesis 1-3 and 24. and among the woman talk, there was also a lot of outside questions, discussing various things within those verses, since genesis can oftentimes be hard.. i don't even know where to start in typing all the things i learned..

but women and men have very distinct roles. my feminist side was basically shot down, but i embraced it, i really did. men should be the leaders, and women should be the supporters- both are different but EQUAL roles, equally important, both serving God. we know this because in genesis 1:18, God says He'd make a HELPER suitable to adam. we HELP the man. also, God created adam in His image, right, and yet, eve was also created in His image, but God isn't a he or a she because He's above gender and such. but that means, in a sense, that His image was almost split between male and female! and that together, we make this perfect and amazing union of what God's image should be. if that makes any sense.

but really, it's so romantic. christine was talking about how God can write the perfect love stories. God makes adam go through all the animals, searching to see if there was any suitable helper. but keep in mind that adam didn't know what a woman was. he didn't have that standard of what was good and not good. but yet, even though he didn't have a standard, he still inherently KNEW that none of these animals were suitable for him, that it just wasn't right. and that's why, when God sent eve, adam was all the more appreciative, and that's where the bible's first piece of poetry comes in- in verse 23, when adam is marveling about eve. and how beautiful is that, that the first piece of poetry from adam didn't come from all the other creation, from the animals or the plants or the sky, but from this WOMAN? AHHH BEAUTIFUL.

and the rib has so much significance, that we were made from the man's rib... because that's close to the heart. omgaw. and this perfect union.. it's just... beautiful...

and what i loved too was that God let adam be alone first before giving him eve. it's a time of preparation. a time of waiting. a time of being with God. and that's so applicable- we all need this time of preparation, of being with GOD and loving and growing in Him, before we can be ready to be in a relationship! even ADAM needed it! and in chapter 24, rabekah needed it! because even though the girl supports and the guy leads, it's more like, if God is in the center of both lives, then GOD will lead through the guy and support through the girl! and also- since God is the ultimate source of love, then we NEED GOD in order to LOVE. HOW BEAUTIFUL IS THAT. READ THAT SENTENCE AGAIN.

and then came the curses, when everything fell and all this sin came into the world. sigh, perfection lasted for only two chapters. and that's why there's all these dysfunctional marriages.. it wasn't supposed to be like that... :((( but christine talked about how high of a calling having a FAMILY was, because it really is a lot of work, to raise them in a godly way and to be the protector of the children. the family was established before the church, before missions... because the family is the people you will influence most! how scary that is, if you think about it.. but also what an amazing opportunity. the wives are thus called to lead the family, but not the church and such.

and then when we talked about chapter 24, about isaac and rebekah getting married and such. ah. so rebekah waited for her husband before she would adorn herself with any jewelry, and in a more applicable view, it means that we should wait before we throw around our hearts and such. that we shouldn't just open ourselves to every guy that comes, because there are some things that are just meant to be told to your spouse and such. and i really needed to hear that.

oh, and about celibacy too- she said that some ARE called to be single for the rest of their lives- like christian homosexuals. and that's beautiful too. that is a REALLY high calling.

-trinity existed in the beginning; jesus was there when God made earth

-we can only comprehend what God allows us to comprehend, because we're stuck in this time and space

- discernment is different from judging

because we can say someone's actions are wrong but we can't say someone's going to heaven or hell

ant = me. sand = hitler. god = mt everest

thus, our morality is altogether insgnificant and tiny

we all deserve to go to hell

predestination is a doctrine made for US to be assure of our salvation

Thank you Alex Kim!

For feeding my hungry rainbow fish :]

Christ is Stronger Than a Covalent Bond

It's ridiculous how many people get divorced.
It's horrifying how love can so easily dissipate into thin air.
It's heartbreaking to know that you no longer have another link to another person.

Honestly, Christ is the bond between all things.

I hear parents' friends with marital problems, job losses taking the heaviest toll on people, friendships being broken to smithereens. In today's society, there is absolutely no incentive to be moral. In fact, it makes more sense to be immoral, because that is how you get all of the "juice out of life." If you have finished squeezing all the pleasure or usefulness out of an object or a person, then it has become simply okay to toss it away, quick as a soda can into a dumpster.

I've seen so many people build and destroy relationships and it's just not supposed to work that way. Relationships are not superficial and were created to last.

No matter how many ways I think about it, the reason for these falling outs is because of a lack of Christ in that relationship. My dad consistently tells me, "you know, I don't think that I could have survived losing my job if I didn't know that Christ would take care of me." He along with with his fellow Christian co-workers knew times were tough but that they would get through it. Most all others fell into some depressed state and lamented how life was over. Marriages of family friends are falling apart because they are missing the essential glue! When you're married, it's so easy to forget how to love the right way, how to continually return to the basis of respect and most importantly selflessness.

22 The stone the builders rejected
has become the cornerstone;

-Psalm 118:22

I'm just venting here cuz of stuff I've seen and heard recently, but please..make Him your cornerstone, the base that you build your integrity and relationships on.

surprises

Oh..i am SOO SOO interested and hyper and excited and in suspense about what God holds in store for me now...

Im-ma back!

I was delightfully reminded today that I have time again to blog
and so I shall!
People probably have stopped even checking mine, so I can be a little more kooky (i spelled it cooky at first xD), more quirky, dumber, more nonsensical, more in the moment, and best of all, jokes that make people groan.

And in case you're wondering why this post is titled "Im-ma back!" It is because I have played way too much Wii Super Mario Bros. Each time you use a continue for Mario, he shouts in his cute Italian cartoon voice, IMMA BACK! hehe...thus the weirdness begins...

So..I've been fiddling around with a guitar some..and by ignoring facebook, phone, email, and all other forms of distracting communication, I was actually able to focus on just trying to work some things out. I can now play the intro to Sweet Home Alabama, Don't Stop Believing, and Beautiful Soul! As well as How Great is Our God. I'm hoping to get that last one down really well, especially because I want to move on to other praise songs. I don't know how much time I will have to play violin seriously in the near future, but I'm glad that guitar is one of those things that doesn't have to be perfect or anything. You can just pick it up and make a beautiful sound that is ten times easier than playing violin with a beautiful sound.

Gosh, this is so much fun blogging again...
And there is really no true purpose to this post besides announcing my coming out of retirement. I miss our blogging community of girls: Penn (you've stayed faithful), Bria, Christina, Jessie. Hehe, those last two have switched to Tumblr. Traitors >:]
But, this past week has been amazing especially with all the no school.

Highlights of the Week:
1. Praise God for giving me this week to take time to heal properly from my sickness
2. Princeton interview was stinking amazing..either my best or second best
...I think I just connect with people who grew up in Georgia better..
3. Best snowball fight ever from Taco Bell all the way to Ocee Park♥
4. Snow Penguin named Henry
5. Playing five straight hours of Super Mario Bros. with Andrew Hsu
6. Going to my first Christian concert
7. No school (obviously)
8. Starting my gym routine :D
9. Daily Devotions (Pray that my resolve won't die!)
10. Near collisions with the mailbox when sledding down the hill
11. Actually setting up a dinner theatre plan
12. SLEEPOVER WITH CHRISTINA--HOLY COW, HOW DID I WAIT THIS LONG TO PUT IT DOWN?!
13. Surprising news from all places
14. Our huge amazing prayer group
15. Squishy dolphins
16. Playing guitar
17. Did I mention no school?
18. Staying up late
19. Banana split ice cream
20. Thank you God for this beautiful whiteness that has allowed all of these precious moments to unfold♥

IMMABACK!

College Apps

whew..it's been a long while

stress of college apps as all we seniors know ;]
it's this overlying burden that hangs there in the stillness, even when there is no rush. You just know its there, weighing thick and heavy.

But on a lighter note, life is good as always.

Want To Know The Meaning of Life?

umm actually---the meaning of life is God...end of story.
without God there is no meaning or no life.
That's something that i need to remember every single second I live.

Bloom For Me

All girls love flowers...end of story

No matter how old you are, or how quiet or how social, or how disdainful, or how allergic...

flowers will always beat that teddy bear or box of candy, because they're something that was given not from a factory but from the toil of the earth.

Primrose = i can't live without you

A Hairy Day

Im standing in the line waiting for a bathroom stall to open up in the next forty seconds before the minute bell rings.
I'm harried and stressed. College app demons are popping into my head randomly and I can't stop it. and on top of that. I have to go...
so--its not a bad school day. It's not an amazing one.

"You have pretty hair"

That comment shocked me out of my dazed skin. Never in my life had I been told that my hair was pretty. Friends do not count. This was simply a genuine comment from a complete stranger. And how many people can say that they've been complimented while standing in line to go pee?

I'll admit it. I do not believe that I have pretty hair. It is dry and thin, the extreme opposite of the perfect pantene hair that is thick, full, and shiny beyond belief.
When it's wet, there is not even a complete fistful to hold on to.

It's amazing how much one comment can make you smile to yourself.

Today, I was thinking to myself. Self. Oh stink. self. that's what we learned about this sunday. and we actually learned not to do it for the self. self-ish. self absorbed. I want to be able to praise God without self gratification. I'm scared that when I do praise Him that I am always self-gratifying myself in some way. Please..let me learn

I just realized...I have only five more days to sing the song

"I am 16 going on 17" and have it actually apply to me

I've waited for this year my whole singing in the car life
ever since I've watched Sound of Music
and I wasted an entire year not being able to sing it.

and now I only have five more days :[

(Rolf)
You wait little girl
On an empty stage
For fate to turn the light on

Your life little girl
is an empty page
that men will want to write on

(Leisl)
To write on

(Rolf)
You are 16 going on 17
Baby its time to think
Better beware
Be canny and careful
Baby you're on the brink

You are 16 going on 17
Fellows will fall in line
Eager young lads
And grueways and cads
Will offer you fruit and wine

Totally unprepared are you
To face a world of men
Timid and shy and scared are you
Of things beyond your ken

You need someone
Older and wiser
Telling you what to do
I am 17 going on 18
I'll take care of you

(Leisl)
I am 16 going on 17
I know that i'm naive
Fellows I meet may tell me I'm sweet
And willingly I believe

I am 16 going on 17 innocent as a rose
Bachelor dandies
Drinkers of brandies
What do I know of those

Totally unprepared am I
To face a world of men
Timid and shy and scared am I
Of things beyond my ken

I need someone
Older and wiser
Telling me what to do
You are 17 going on 18
I'll depend on you


mm now all I'm missing is my own Rolf ;D
haha jks
but really--growing up is just something that I'm scared that I'm not ready to do yet.
its inevitable but i want to cling on to these last precious moments of innocence and childhood.
I'm not saying I want to be gullible or naive, not knowing what's occurring in the world.

But I want to be able to grasp and hold that slipping faith and first trust in everyone without worrying if they will mug me, judge me, trick me, or hurt me.

I am 16 going on 17
and I'm a little girl on an empty stage
waiting for fate to turn my light on.

My New Muse

from this:



To That:







This girl is unbelievable
I open up to yahoo! news and it's not her face that I see first.
It's the words:

old dresses made new

the next words I read were:

for $1

HOLA AMIGA PERFECTA

her blog is called new dress a day where she creates a new fashion piece every single day for 365 days for $1 a day.
so thats 365 dresses. 365 days. $365.
forget the movie 27 dresses--this is tons better

not only is she doing what I had spent four long years dreaming of doing (fashion designing)
but she was doing it cheaply appealing greatly to my frugal sense AND she was doing it while recycling!

how great is that?
fashion design, cheap, and recycling all wrapped up into one great package.

I think I'm in heaven..no joke, this blog she does is so..me, or at least the one that I'd dream I'd be when I was in middle school.

This inspires me to draw so badly..take out my old sketchpads and create..
thats whats great about art: you can take something that no one wants and make it beautiful

chet it out (heh..borrowing tinny's phrase x])

http://newdressaday.wordpress.com/

Where Do I Go From Here

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UfTieVPjN7E

The earth is cold, the fields are bare
The branches fold against the wind that's everywhere
The birds move on so they survive
When snow's so deep the bears all sleep to keep themselves alive
They do what they must for now and trust in their plan
If I trust in mine, somehow I might find who I am

But where do I go from here?
So many voices ringing in my ear
Which is the voice that I was meant to hear?
How will I know where do I go from here?

My world has changed, and so have I
I've learned to choose and even learned to say good-bye
The path ahead, so hard to see
It winds and bends, but where it ends depends on only me
In my heart I don't feel part of so much I've known
Now it seems it's time to start a new life on my own

But where do I go from here?
So many voices ringing in my ear
Which is the voice I was meant to hear?
How will I know, where do I go from here?

Pure Joy

Thank you Lord
Thank you thank you THANK YOU THANK YOU
thank you thank you thank you THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU

God, you lift my burdens always
you ease my heart
I've prayed for pure unadulterated joy in you Lord
I haven't had that burning joy in life for such a long time Lord
and when I realized it..we prayed for it in devo group

Today I was feeling so tired after playing
I've been sad over certain things for quite a while and they've really just been bearing on my heart and I haven't been able to be truly fully 100% joyful in praising God for a while.

But all of sudden today,
I found myself prancing around the room, being a ballerina, a hiphopper, a korean girl pop musician, a swing dancer, a gymnast who was doing somersaults onto her bed like a little kid.
interpretive dance, michael jackson moves..hugging and kissing my teddy bear randomly and making him my partner.
I didn't care what neighbors saw me through the open windows. I probably looked like a psycho but it didn't matter in the least tiny bit, because I was flying in my own mind.

I dont know what came over me

All I could feel was this burning joy, like flash fire. and then before I knew it I was praising God, praying with a whole heart, loving this joy He had bestowed upon me.
It's so amazing that I can't even describe it.
All I knew was that after my little dancing episode--i just had to record it down and just exult the Lord for his glory.

so THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU GOD LORD FATHER KING..
THANK YOU.

my heart feels so free right now, and this feeling is freedom itself. Freedom from worry and pain that I've been feeling for so long. You've granted me this joy so I can praise you freely Lord

THANK YOU

There's a reason why my blog is called...aqua.

There's a reason why my blog is called
aqua. jambalaya. summer. me♥

Aqua, turquoise, mint, it doesn't matter. The perfect combination of white, blue, and green can sometimes simply take my breath away.
The sound of aqua just reminds you of the Gulf coast. No, none of those salty brown waterside beaches along the Atlantic Ocean, but the clear blue waters of the Gulf side.

That my friends, is aqua.

aquamarine. mermaids. A world of sea blue that is salty and sweet all at the same time.
Can you not feel it?

But beneath the surface, aqua is so much deeper than that. It's playful on the top but dark and brooding below the waves. You never know what you're going to find.

If anything, when I'm feeling too much of any other color, I can come back to this one and feel at home, like I don't have to change myself in order to fit with the assumptions behind other colors.
With pink, I feel giddy, but one has to eventually get serious.
With red, I feel bold and daring, yet you have no idea how much of a chicken I am.
With white, I feel pure, and yet that's a lie because I'm the worst sinner..I'm dirty.
With Yellow, I feel the Georgia blaze across my face but winter always quells the sun.
With Orange...let's face it..no one feels anything with the color orange.
With Green..I'm at the peak of my environmentalism, never wasting anything,then there's reality
With Blue...straight up blue that is--its the night, not black..and the night swallows you up then spits you back out just in time to wake up from the dream.
With purple...I feel on top of the world, arrogant...and then I am humbled.
With Brown....I am stagnant, lazy, a potato colored rebecca..yet I have to move to live right?
With Black...I think of eyes..is that weird? My eyes are not brown, they are black and they are the windows to myself..but does anyone really know his or her self? If not, then why don't we all just stare wide eyed into our mirrors? It's too puzzling to be comfortable.


With aqua--I imagine heaven too to be that color. A heavenly northern lights of varying shades of aqua rippling as the angels sing.

sky and ocean. the first two things of God's creation---all cradled within this one seemingly simple and ordinary color. Remember it well.
A-Q-U-A

Why you want to lose weight

I was thinking today....reading my magazine...

one REALLY good reason to lose weight

is so that if one day like in some drama, the heel of your shoe breaks, your ankle gets twisted, you fall unconscious because of a random slap by a mean stranger, you get bullied to the point where you can't move, you can't see because acid accidentally dropped in your eyes, and if an asteroid fell from above and made you immobile, or by some happening stroke of fate....

you want for your prince charming to pick you up easily and not stagger under the weight thinking, "i thought girls were supposed to be light."

Second Day of Work

Dont get me wrong, I love working at Upbeat! camp

but I
AM NOW
an exhausted working woman :]

First Day of Work

I
am now
a

WORKING WOMAN WOOHOO

Fly Away Home

you know, if you really know me, you should already know that I love Georgia. point blank.
Here, I have
my family
friends
my childhood
great weather with minimal snow
good chinese food ^.^
MY ENTIRE LIFE

but you know, I've also been thinking recently about going out of state
after all, I KNOW that I'm going to be moving back here if I do go out of state for college.
So, why not get out and see what else is out there for a few years?
I'm scared to go out though, what if i like it better than Georgia?
I'm about the only person I know who feels this way and it's a little lonely.

haha, i didn't truly realize how homesick i would be until costa rica
Dont get me wrong--it was great. it was exciting, INCREDIBLY CONFUSING, challenging, and rewarding all at once, but it just wasn't home.



I missed all my Ocee Park guys IMMENSELY
I missed my family
I missed school friends
I missed church friends
I missed my girls
I missed a JAMBALAYA PARTY THAT MY SISTER THREW WITHOUT ME! haha xD

In the Hartsfield Jackson Airport, I saw this video clip advertising Georgia and I almost cried with happiness thinking, "I'm home. I belong here."
On the clip there was the Okefenokee Swamp, Bobby Jones golf course, Symphony Hall, Coke Museum...all so familiar.

but you know--coming home has never been so special to me before
I've always taken it for granted that I would come back home to Georgia
in 4465 Pinehollow Ct. Alpharetta.
But really soon, it's not going to be that way

I'm gonna have to grow up and fly away
be a big girl
mmm God, thank you for being there, being able to comfort me through all this decision making
This is one of those times where I can't do anything but trust in your holy and mighty will
because I dont even know where I'm taking myself

"For in Scripture it says: "See, I lay a stone in Zion, a chosen and precious cornerstone, and the one who trusts in him will never be put to shame."

- 1 Peter 2:6

See YA!

goodbye my girlies

or guys???...which i doubt read this anyways haha

but yes--i'll be back june 14th which is when i shall hang out with every single one of you♥♥♥

off to costa rica

pray for me
for:

my continuing growth in him
that the people's hearts will be open to us
that i will be able to use my espanol in awesome ways
that none of us will get sick from fruit or water or etc
that sunny will be able to cross the suspension bridge without peeing in his pants
that God will give us the words to teach the kids
that He will send us endurance and strength in the heat
that there will not be too many big bugs at one time
and....
that our Lord and Savior will bring us all home safe, sound, and transformed

scratch that..

scratch that..

make that

2ONE+ days of Monique

ran into her and mrs. chang at Sports Authority :]

making that so far five days of seeing her beautiful face in a row

20+ days of Monique

yes, there is a plus in the title
20+ days of Monique

because these nineteen days are already preset FO SHO going to spend or have already spent with her
....boy am i going to get sick of Monique
JKJKJK i love every moment I spend with you monique♥♥♥

down from hiding under blankets from my parents
to teaching you CTR
to walking and talking in Ocee
to kekekekekekekja;lkfjds;ljfe-ing


YEAH THATS RIGHT---im talking to YOU, mo

okays whew...here we go

Day 1: i get a text from monique going "hey let's hang out" so we do...
randomly spontaneously..out of the blue. We hang at Ocee
swing a TON
lie down on grass and gaze at the sun eating our goldfish
go home (my home) eat dinner, play crash team racing, and making webcasts for our lovely jessie&ivan


Day 2: ...12:00 am..monique goes home
later in the day she picks me up to go to her house for an ACCCN dinner par-tay hehe
we....shishkabob awesomeness made by mrs. chang
go pick up a movie (Nine)
get yelled at by Valerie for picking a "bad movie"
we watch it later...the scandalousness of it is pretty shocking, but its interesting :]
APPLES TO APPLES
(apparently i'm horrific, demanding, and busy)
annndddd leave at twelve...AM


Day 3: Meet up at WHIRLWIND WOOHOO!!!
to see all those adorable little youngins and to have our Costa Rica meeting...
we are allowed only four shirts, a dress, two pairs of shoes, three pairs of underwear, two pants, three pairs of socks, and no comb x]
later---potluck dinner f/ whirlwind team
uncle joey brought oreo ice cream♥


Day 4: came over to my house to let the 'rents play tennis
hehehehehe we played CTR again
...mmm could've spent more time with her if i decided to tag along with whirlwind and go to tofu house, whirlyballing, and lasertagging
man...i should've gone

and DAY4 is TODAY!!

fifteen more definite dates to go~
the next 4 are for pre-costa rica retreat
the next 8 after that is for COSTA RICA!! woohoo
the next 4 after that is for Shocco '10

and who knows after that?

but yes---each time i'm with you mo
i shall never fail to laugh my head off
your heart is beautiful and i'm so happy to be your friend :]
i'm glad we have all these awesome days of summer together cuz i will miss you like no other when you head off to GA tech
hehe...but i'll see you sundays anyways so its all good ;]

♥

♥♥♥

wow..okay now

in blatant contrast to my latest post
i am going to talk about marriage

yes..that happy ever after, storybook ending, fairy tales coming true
in case you didn't notice..that last sentence was the first line of lyrics for Carrie Underwood's song Ever Ever After...not surprisingly made for Enchanted

but i just got back from a wedding
it was beautiful and I fell in love
yes--me, rebecca fell in love
me who's never had a relationship or any sort of that stuff
in ♥♥♥♥♥♥ head over heels...i'm going to spend the rest of my life kind of stuff

i fell in love with shrimp grits

LOOOLOLOLOL did i get you? :D
if i did, please leave a comment and tell me ^^


yes..shrimp grits are great and all and i know i'm a gourmand
but i mainly talked about it to grab your attention
WOOOOO~~ i got the hook! haha

back to the wedding

it was beautiful---one of the best i've been to
not beacause of the white flowers caressing the air, the gorgeous dresses, or the song sung during the benediction

it was the sense of family, the security of love that so obviously flowed between Emily and Chris.
It wasn't a gaudy love, wasn't showy or understated
they were both absolutely certain of their choice and one in God
their families came up during the ceremony as two families became one--
needless to say, the sense of union was incredible.

Maybe it's a sign
i felt so cynical today after looking at all of those pics of star breakups and just sad that marriage could end so easily
However, this wedding turned me around and said, "no. What you've been viewing is the media Hollywood version, the fake one. Now turn to me and witness what true love is."

I really can't wait until my wedding
I already have the songs chosen, the food and how to serve it, who to invite
all i'm missing is the groom ;]
haha jkjk

All you girls will definitely be my bridesmaids---or I'll be yours
as we grow up--all of us, one by one, will become bound to another

it's simply beautiful

I saw my mom and dad hold hands as the newlyweds took their vows
I saw they swaying on the dance floor
I think that if more married couples went to weddings then there would be less divorces, because those couples would be reminded not of the bad times, but of the good times. They would remember promising to be caring in sickness, considerate in good times or bad, and loving forever.
Personally--i was reminded of my marriage with God in that I am going to love him forever.

Thank you Lord for giving me back that hope that marriage can work out okay after all, especially since I was feeling so downcast today about marriage.

Split Heart

http://www.ivillage.com/demi-lovato-joe-jonas-breakup/1-b-16462

before you look at that link above
i'm going to tell you what it's going to be about..

the title is Star Break-ups

holy cow---no joke this link of forty nine pictures (and sadly enough, i went through every single one) is just about the one thing that can make any romantic drop their jaw
its horrifying
thirty year marriages splitting up
a one month fling
cheating
divorcing while pregnant
kids while boy friend and girl friend
age differences of thirty some years

what is this world coming to?
how can there be so many relationships tossed carelessly aside?
Is that even real love?

for me who's never had a relationship, this is unbelievable
..is this what i have to look forward to?
i think that I'm always going to look for not just that happy ending but also a happy beginning, happy middle
not that it's always going to be like that--there will be sad, angry, frustrating versions of all of those, but I guess some people believe that it's not worth the time and effort to get through them

if it's because you know in your heart that it's not the right person, that's fine..i understand
but be careful in choosing who you give your heart to in the first place too

divorce here and divorce there--its a crazy world
is it that easy to give up years of devotion to someone else?

I really want to believe that there is a lifelong relationship for people out there
(besides God---cuz we KNOW he's always there...actually..thats a really big comfort to me)

go to the link.here it is again
http://www.ivillage.com/demi-lovato-joe-jonas-breakup/1-b-16462

yeah--i know..please do not be like these stars
im speaking both to myself and to whoever is reading
please be faithful, true, loving, like God designed the world to be like.

scratch scratch..

one mosquito bite
two mosquito bite
red mosquito bite
.....................THE ITCH NEVER STOPS

Ocee Park Friends

This is what summer is for.

spending all day at ocee park

of course I'm skipping the part about SAT class
but its in the morning so its all good ^^

so today we basically went at it from 1-6:30
five and a half hours of pure basketball, football two hand touch, ultimate frisbee, volleyball, mafia, and tackle football.
not to mention swinging, spinning on tires, riding bumblebees, and sleeping in the grass

btw--spinning on a tire in tight circles is never a good idea at our age
especially if you combine it with being hurled around on a spinning carousel hehe

to say the least--
i came homeexhausted

to what do i owe this exhaustion?

to my lovely friends of course♥
they are the reason that I love summer so much
specifically today there was Alex, Jun, Hudson, Geoffrey, Patrick, Eric, Kevin, Andrew, and bria two newbies (hehe FINALLY SOME MORE GIRLS) eileen and leslie.

seriously guys--i dont know what i'd do without you
sometimes i feel like their mommy cuz we are such a huge lil family
or maybe i'm a brother---just another guy who WILL get tackled if i have the ball

but thats what they are---family

i feel so natural around each and every one of them

but yeah--i wanted to send a shoutout to my boys and Bria cuz even when we move and grow up, get families, go to college, get jobs,

we'll be friends forever

thanks ocee for letting us be amazing together

to my lovely sen10rs

its unbelievable how much I'm realizing that you wont be in high school next year
cuz all of you have made such a big imprint on my life
that my body doesn't recognize that you're someone to miss yet

thus
YOURE SENIORS!!!
oh my goodness----i watched most of you walk across that stage and my heart ached a little bit
haha can you believe that I'm going to be in that exact same spot next year? :]

but i'm going to say some things to each person here in random order

I just want to say that all of you have touched me, and i'll never forget you♥

1. thank you for being awesome, like an older sister, giving me rides, going crazy together, loving God together---you make me a better person, and I feel at home with you. we've spent our entire childhood together and now you're entering a new chapter---i shall join you soon.

2. I feel honored to have been able to take a picture with you ^^

3. Thank you for making me work hard--especially for encouraging me all the time and for holding the team together. I learned so much from you. You really were one of my role models in volleyball♥

4. I loved meeting someone who cared about environmentalism as much as i do---i have to say that that convo we had was one of the best i've had this year---it made me feel like i finally found a soul that connected to mine ^.^

5. i can't believe the cantaloupe thing actually worked :] haha i love how it much your passion for god shows when you speak about him. you were so respectful to my parents and they were actually pretty impressed---yay!

6. MY SENIOR! you are my SENIOR despite the fact that everyone else are my seniors too---but you are MY SENIOR the most because i am YOUR FRESHMAN! doode--we have been through so much together--specially new york--i remember you teaching me how to sing "the prayer"..your bday party--i will miss you more than ever so you better come back to visit meee

7. you inspire my fashion designer self--not only that-but i love your smile cuz you use it everytime you see me :]

8. that was an amazing dance party we had that one time--ctr, will's park, i love that even though we can't see each other often, when i talk to you, I feel as if we had never been apart. gah--and now you're going to california!!! >< i will miss you so much. thank you for being yourself because I love that part of you the best! you guys are the only ones that I allow to call me shuen.

9. Thank you for driving another person on this list in their walk with christ, not to mention my own walk with Him. It's so obvious that the Holy Spirit is in you.

10. i was kind of scared of you at first--but i shouldnt have judged a book by its cover. You are by far one of THE most lovable people I know. You always put others in consideration before yourself and i think of you as a huge teddy bear haha. please come over for jambalaya any day you want to in the summer. (you can come--but i cant guarantee we'll have it xD)

11. Thank you for being awesome. point blank. for helping to keep me accountable in reading God's word. You havent really said much to me about it, but your actions speak louder than your words. I am awe-inspired by you and will miss you mucho mi senorita!

12. YAYY your smile is super chirpy and homeroom was great cuz we were together---not to mention prom---i feel like we got to know each other much better this year--and i still haven't signed your yearbook! keep on being happy♥

13. we've been together since taylor road and i've never questioned that you wouldn't be there. but now you wont be there :O-- you were the first boy that i ever saw imitate the dance moves of korean girls music videos---keep on dancing awesomely ;] and it was awesome seeing you at movie night AND church! :D

14. haii---i cant believe that you played cards at graduation wow...but yeah--its been cool helping out youth group this year with you. and thankyou for my orch award♥ it bleeds for you (in a good way)

15. i love that we've become friends enough to the point where hugging you doesn't feel like i'm torturing some poor bunny. it feels natural now :] your heart is beautiful---and we need to talk more for sure before you leave me.

16. You are my church mommy--heck you are everybody's mommy. And you're abandoning your child..aren't you ashamed? >:O haha jkjk
but i love you in its entirety. You say things to me cuz you care about me and you're always smiling when i greet you---let's continue walking in christ together♥

17. mm this year was amazing--hearing you play solo for the first time hehe >:] that was such a completely unexpected meeting--and now COSTA RICA! woohoo! haha and prom--that was really a great memory. AHH! i remember being so intimidated by your reputation before and you turned out to be this amazing down to earth guy who i love to watch on stage too...and whos going to college sniff sniff

18. hehe--you rocked my video---me too!--lets hang at ocee sometime..even though we speak in jokes most of the time--you are a deep cookie and i'm really happy that i got to know you more this year :]

19. mmm man for a while there we texted a WHOLE bunch lool...but yeah--i was also a little intimidated by you at first--cuz you seemed kind of scary....but once we got to talking, i felt so inspired by you. You helped keep me accountable and gave me more theology than i was ever expecting. winter retreat---memory kept forever. i cant wait to see what God does in you. :]

20. mmm♥ you and your black talk..you're the first person i ever heard to say "WOMANG." im so excited for costa rica---we shall do amazing things together. keep on working hard and know that He's with you ^^

21. you've taken care of me so well in orchestra over these past years. i love our scrapbook! ahh! just had to throw that in there... i dont know what im going to do without you next year--go recruit some freshmen haha. mmm--you made won-il be nice to me and i had so much fun with you this year--you're sweet even when you say criticist (is that a word?) thing--cuz you just say them with LOVE haha...you'll always be the function on the top of my list ;]

22. oh what to say what to say..i feel like i've already said everything in your yearbook entry..but i want to restate it again cuz you really do mean that much to me. you truly were the one that made me feel the most welcome in chattahoochee as a freshman and lil freshmen like me never forget someone like that..someone who doesn't treat them like a younger random person, but as an equal. your love for people is amazing. i know that you have your ups and downs but you keep such a positive attitude anyways. man--you better not stop talking to me cuz you've been a part of life so long that i SERIOUSLY FOR REAL cannot imagine it without you in it. awww my wasabi brother is graduated--sigh*...you shall do awesome things cuz you love and fear God.

23. WHAT TO SAY? because there is so much that we have going on between us. I feel like we are friends with an unshakable bond. We can act simply crazy together..haha i saved you for last cuz i felt like you deserved this esteemed spot ;)..but anyways--you've been more than a friend.you've been a sister..you and your entire family. we can talk about anything and we strengthen each other's relationship with God. you make me laugh when you laugh and we served on our original nashville team. even though you hate it when people bring up your funny stories..i'll always love them because they represent a side of you that marks you as different than so many other people. You are unique and special in my heart---♥

Walking

TODAY IS THE LAST DAY OF SCHOOL

last year on the last day of school--i rode home on the bus, went straight to the computer to print out directions to laser quest for my first time lasertagging ever.
It was freaking awesome
will never forget that amazing time with monique, jessie, donna, karen, and muchos otros.
Then we went to Monique's house to celebrate her birthday!!!! whew!
(which in case if you dont know is tomm :3) HAPPY BDAY MO!
gooood memories


this year's was completely different
notice that I didn't say bad---in fact it might be even as good, because it is simple.

I got to walk

walking is so simple
but so underrated.
over creeks- under trees- past rabid dogs- in mud- with shoes- without shoes- past wildflowers-over fences-on trails- over rocks- with cars whooshing by- through gates of options

there is no end to walking possibilities..
and i experienced every single one of those today
not only that
but i was treated to a one dollar (took like ten minutes on deciding how to save the most money) whopper jr. at the end of it

that wasn't even the best part
I got to walk with two friends who I care for deeply
and we walked together
there is something in walking with another person that makes you appreciate them all the more.
that's why it's called a WALK to remember
romantic walks on the beach
our walk with Christ
it all ties in

i miss my walks with you guys at ocee
we'd talk about nothing and everything at the same time
even when we didn't talk and just moved simultaneously, matching each other's pace, and constantly swaying from one side of the path to the other,
lightly bumping shoulders
it was bonding

I need to walk more
laugh more
DANCE MORE (love you tinny, tammy, trish, ting ...hehe...four T's)

When I walk with someone---with a friend, parent, with Christ
our time together is unforgettable.

its here!

I dont really feel a difference between the day school ends and summer
its a seamless line

basically---i've already submitted to summer a LONG time ago

The Apple

I struggle with so many temptations around me

i know that you do too

They're always there
commonly disguised and waiting
fooling you into believing that one second won't be much harm

That's why we have people---to keep our inner conscience awake
making us realize that what we craved so much
isn't really that important at all

a kid again

i'm a spunky monkey
with a spunky ducky
who had a spunky cat
who went and ate a rat
and sang the songs of time
the windows swing and chime
the trashbins sway with ease
like bamboo in the breeze
horses prance and dance
i saw my ragged pants
im a poet in disguise
words will end in my demise

----after a long day
long week
typing whatever you want to without analyzing rhetorical strategies
thinking of examples
wondering how in the world a termite emits methane

writing whatever without a care in the world
is SUCH a relief :]

formspring

i caved :]

http://www.formspring.me/gamegirl822

Reality Intercepts

yeah--i recently woke up from that dream of a perfect summer

it hasn't even begun and i already feel more overwhelmed than i do with schoolwork

Dreaming

i had a really weird dream last night---
too embarrassing to tell

two nights ago i slept walk for the first time in a year
i know FOR A FACT that i had gone to sleep in my own bed
and yet at five am i found myself crunched up sideways in a oneman armchair
in a completely random room

This feels weird for me

This type of stuff used to happen a lot when I was little
speaking in my sleep
falling down stairs
having both good and bad dreams

once---when i was sleeping over at my grandmothers
i was having a nightmare that my family was leaving me in a scary museum
i apparently spoke in my sleep and shouted while crying
I WANT TO GO HOME!!! I WANT TO GO HOME!!

thus--my grandmother felt so bad (cuz she thought i was speaking for real)
that SHE BROUGHT ME BACK HOME
LOOL and i woke up saying---umm...i thought that i was at nai nai's house O.O

Then there are those dreams where you can fly, not like a bug with wings
but peter pan style--yet not as suave
where you can't exactly go the furthest you'd like to, but a good height nonetheless
where sometimes you need a running start
where you need to flap your hands
and once you reach the apex..you feel yourself coming back down to reality.

You can't control them

hehe--sometimes when you wake up from a dream
and if you go back to sleep quick enough
it will pick right back up where you started--as if you had taken a bathroom break or sumthin sumthing

i think that dreams reveal our inner selves so much
the longing, the fears, and the unconscious desires that we never knew we had

you take a step back and ask---is that REALLY what i dreamed?
WAAAAAAATTTT? i had never thought that thought in my conscious life!

and then---you begin to see the dream as truth..

I Will Survive

YESSS!!!

i am finally able to blog again
you have no idea how many times i came to this new post page
all ready with thoughts of the day

when the reality of AP week came
with basically a practice exam at seven am today
AP Calc BC 7:45 Wed
Lang Paper due today--oh stink--turn it in.com...brb

BACK
anyyyways
summer is coming and i love it
and, i have a ton of stuff to say

but most of all i just want to thank God for letting me survive these past two weeks
and if he can just get me past next week intact---wait if?
of course he can!!!! :)